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Comedy-drama  in  3  acts,  by  LII.I.IAV  MORTIMER; 
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gripping  story  of  self-sacrifice  wherein  a  father's 
love  and  a  daughter's  devotion  are  tried  by  ad 
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terior.  The  atteinj)t  of  a  city  waif  to  rob  the  home 
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whose  devotion  saves  him  from  ruin. 

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THE  PATH  ACROSS  THE 


Comedy-drama  in  3  acts,  by  LIM.IAX  MOKTIMKK; 
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appealing  romance,  in  which  a  fine  old  man  proves 
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Comedy-drama  in  3  acts,  by  WALTER  JU.N  11  AUK; 
5  m.,  5  w.  Time,  2%  hrs.  Seem  :  1  exterior.  A 
stirring  rural  comedy,  whose  central  figun 
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T.  S.  DEf-JlSOf^ 


ALL    A    MISTAKE 

PS 

A  Farce  Comedy  in  Three  Acts 


W.  C.  PARKER 


AUTHOR  OF 

"Those  Dreadful  Twins"  "A  Black  Heifer,"  "The 

Lonelyville   Social  Club,"  "Brother  Josiah,"  "The 

Face  at  the  Window"  etc. 


CHICAGO 

T.  S.  DENISON  &  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


ALL   A    MIST  A  K  I-:. 


ALL  A  MISTAKE. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 

OBADIAH   SKINNER A  Retired  Sea  Captain 

LIEUT.   GEORGE  RICHMOND His    Nephew 

RICHARD  HAMILTON A  Country  Gentleman 

|  'FERDINAND  LIGHTHEAD -1    Xcighbor 

NELLIE  RICHMOND George's  Wife 


XELLIE  HUNTINGTON -I  Friend 

i 

i        vV^  CORNELIA  (NELLIE)  SKINNER Obadiah's  Sister 

NELLIE  MC!NTYRE A  Servant 


TIME — The  Present. 

PLACE — House  and  Grounds  of  Capt.  Obadiah  Skinner, 
Otherwise  Known  as  "Oak  Farm,".  Westchester,  and 
Adjoining  the  State  Insane  Asylum. 

TIME  OF  PLAYING — About  Two  Hours. 


NOTICE. — Amateurs  are  free  to  produce  this  play,  but  the  sole 
professional  rights  are  reserved  by  the  author,  who  may  be  ad 
dressed  in  care  of  the  Publisher. 

MADE   IN   U.   S.   A. 


Copyright,  1898,  by  W.  C.  PARKER. 

Proprietary  rights  secured  by  professional  performances  en  tour 
Copyright,  1903,  by  T.  S.  DEXISOX. 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  •? 

COSTUMES. 

CAPT. — Canvas  hunting  coat,  corduroy  breeches,  canvas 
leggings,  negligee  shirt,  large  handkerchief  around  his 
neck,  cap  and  boots.  Same  throughout. 

GEORGE — Lieutenant's  fatigue  uniform  throughout.  Mil 
itary  cap  in  first  act,  until  exit  with  Nellie  Huntington. 

RICHARD  HAMILTON,,  Acts  I.  and  II. — Business  suit.  Act 
III. — Trousers  torn  up  the  legs,  seat  gone;  coat  with  one 
sleeve  gone,  the  balance  in  rags ;  nothing  remaining  of  his 
hat  but  the  brim,  which  is  pressed  down  over  his  ears ;  col 
lar  nearly  torn  off;  necktie  turned  around  and  hanging 
down  his  back. 

FERDY,  Act  I. — Golf  suit  until  first  exit,  then  change  to 
full  evening  dress,  which  is  worn  through  balance  of  play. 

NELL  RICH.,  Act  L — Traveling  dress.  Acts  II  and  III. 
— House  gown. 

NELL  HUNT.,  Act  L — Morning  gown.  Acts  II  and  III. 
— House  gown. 

CORNELIA. — Eccentric  and  old-fashioned  garment  (a  dif 
ferent  one  may  be  used  in  each  act.)  Always  carries  a 
black  workbag  suspended  from  her  wrist. 

NELL. — Suitable  servant's  dress  throughout. 


PROPERTIES. 

ACT  I. — Traveling  bags,  umbrellas,  hat  boxes,  etc.,  for 
GEO.  and  NELL  R.  Letters  for  GEO.  Wedding  ring  for 
NELL  R.  Workbag,  letters  and  powder  rag  for  COR.  Cane, 
letter,  wheelbarrow  and  roses  for  FERDY. 

ACT  II. — Letters  for  COR.  and  NELL.  Gun  for  CAPT. 
Blank  cartridges  for  gun.  Burnt  cork  for  NELL.  Hot  air 
radiator,  tar  bucket,  brush  and  money  for  GEO.  Red  fire  for 
finish. 

ACT  HI. — Towel  and    knife    for    CAPT.      Revolver   for 
RICH.     Dustpan,  wreath  of  flowers,    apron    and    veil    for 
H.     Letter  for  GEO. 


'4  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 


SYNOPSIS  FOR  PROGRAM. 

ACT.  I. — The  arrival  of  George  and  his  bride.  The  di 
lemma.  A  friend  in  need.  The  plot  against  the  Captain 
and  its  disastrous  effect.  The  old  maid  and  her  secret. 
Ferdy  in  search  of  a  wife.  George's  jealousy.  The  sudden 
appearance  of  a  most  undesirable  party.  George's  quick 
wit  prevents  discovery. 

ACT  II. — The  plot  thickens.  Cornelia  in  search  of  her 
"Romeo."  Nell  gets  a  letter,  which  adds  to  the  mystery. 
The  downfall  of  Ferdy.  Richard  attempts  to  try  the  "sooth 
ing  system"  on  a  lunatic.  George  has  a  scheme  connected 
with  a  fire  in  the  furnace  and  some  pitch  tar.  Richard  runs 
amuck  amid  general  confusion. 

ACT  III. — The  Captain  arms  himself  with  a  butcher 
knife  and  plans  revenge.  Richard  attempts  to  escape. 
Nellie  hopelessly  insane.  The  comedy  duel.  "Romeo"  at 
last.  "Only  one  Nellie  in  the  world."  The  unraveling  of  a 
skein  of  mystery,  and  the  finish  of  an  exciting  day,  to  find 
it  was  "All  A  Mistake." 


ALL   A   MISTAKE. 
SCENE  PLOT. 


/  LANDSCAPE    BACKING 

Wood  Wings  Wood  Wing* 


Rustic  Bench 


I     Set     \ 
I  Cottage\ 


INTERIOR    BACKING 


-\  Center  |_ 
Door 


V 


Door 

0 

Door 

Table 

/                Sofa 

°                     O 
Chair               chair 

O 
Radiator 

\ 

NOTE. — While  a  set  cottage  will,  of  course,  add  to  the 
effect  of  Act  I,  yet  it  is  not  absolutely  necessary,  and  in 
case  one  is  not  used  all  entrances  and  exits  marked  "door 
of  house"  should  be  made  "L.  2,  E." 

ACT  I. — Front  lawn  at  "Oak  Farm." 

ACT  II. — Drawing  room  at  "Oak  Farm." 

ACT  III. — Same  as  Act  II. 


STAGE   DIRECTIONS. 

R.  means  right  of  the  stage ;  C.,  center ;  R.  C.,  right  cen 
ter;  L.,  left;  i  E.,  first  entrance;  U.  E.,  upper  entrance, 
etc. ;  D.  F.,  door  in  flat  or  back  of  the  stage.  The  actor  is 
supposed  to  be  facing  the  audience. 


ALL  A  MISTAKE. 


ACT  I. 

SCENE. — The  front  lawn  at  "Oak  Farm."  Landscape  back 
ing.  Set  cottage  L.  Rustic  bench  R.  2.  Wood  wings 
R.  and  L.  Lively  music  till  curtain  up. 

Enter  GEORGE  and  NELLIE  RICHMOND  C.,  loaded  down 
with  traveling  bags,  dress-suit  cases,  hat  boxes,  umbrellas. 
etc. 

GEO.  (Throwing  his  load  down  in  a  heap  up  L.) 
Well!  This  is  the  last  time  I  want  to  go  traveling  with  a 
woman !  Why,  it's  worse  than  breaking  stone  for  the 
State ! 

NELL  RICHMOND  (Setting  her  traps  down  R.}.  That's 
right — lay  all  the  blame  on  the  woman — just  like  a  man! 

GEO.  Huh!  That's  what  you  say  (sighing}.  Well, 
the  fatal  moment  has  arrived ! 

NELL  R.     And  thank  goodness ! 

GEO.  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  are  glad  my  uncle  is 
dying? 

NELL  R.  What  a  question !  You  must  think  I'm  fond 
of  death-beds,  funerals,  and  that  sort  of  thing ! 

GEO.     I  only  took  you  at  your  word. 

NELL  R.  You  know  I  was  only  glad  we  had  arrived  at 
our  destination.  I  declare,  I'm  so  tired,  I  couldn't  walk 
another  step. 

GEO.     I  wonder  why  there  is  nobody  around  ? 

NELL  R.  Perhaps  they  are  all  engaged  in  dressing  the 
body  for  burial. 

GEO.  It's  an  awful  feeling  to  come  to  visit  a  dead  man ! 

6 


ALL  A    MISTAKE.  7 

NELL  R.  I'm  sure  it  would  be  utterly  impossible  to 
gossip  with  a  corpse!  (Sighs.) 

GEO.  I  really  hesitate  to  ring  the  bell.  It  seems  just  like 
waking  up  the  dead. 

NELL  R.  Oh,  if  you  could  only  bring  him  back  to  life 
again. 

GEO.  And  confess  that  I  have  disobeyed  him  and  mar 
ried  you? 

NELL  R.     (Sniffling}.      I  really  believe  you're  sorry! 

GEO.     Of  course  I  am. 

NELL  R.  Then  why  did  you  marry  me  at  all?  I  think 
you're  just  horrid ! 

GEO.     I  mean,  sorry  my  uncle  is  dead,  you  goose. 

NELL  R.     Oh,  that's  different! 

GEO.  It's  strange  there's  no  crepe  on  the  door.  I  won 
der  if  Nellie  Huntington  received  my  telegram?  If  she 
"stands  me  up,"  I'll — 

NELL  R.     (Looking  off  C.).     There  she  is  now. 

GEO.  Good !  I  tell  you  what,  she's  the  right  kind  of  a 
girl,  all  right,  all  right ! 

NELL  R.  (Pouting).  Well,  if  you  think  so  much  of 
her,  it's  too  bad  you  didn't  marry  her  instead  of  me ! 

GEO.     That's  so.     It's  funny  I  never  thought  of  that.  ,\ .  u    ,  ^ 
Enter   NELLIE  HUNTINGTON    C.  from  L.     Lively  music. 

NELL  HUNTINGTON  (Kisses  NELL  R.  Takes  both  by  the 
hands) .  Well,  how  are  you  ? 

GEO.  Oh,  we're  quite  well,  thank  you,  but  actually  dying 
from  excitement. 

NELL  H.     Excitement  ?     I  do  not  understand. 

GEO.     (Producing  letter).     This  letter  will  explain. 

NELL  H.  One  moment.  Our  remaining  outside  is  liable 
to  cause  some  comment.  Shall  we  not  go  in  the  house? 

NELL  R.     I  am  actually  dying  from  fatigue. 

GEO.     But — 

NELL   R.     George  is  really  afraid  to  ring. 

GEO.     I  hesitate  to  disturb  his  last  moments. 
NELL  H.     (Smiling).     I  can  imagine  your  uncanny  feel 
ing.     Permit  me.     (Goes  toward  house.) 

NELL      (and  others,  outside  L.,  sing  the  chorus  of  some 


8  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

popular  comic  song.  NELL  H.,  NELL  R.  AND  GEO.  ap 
pear  shocked.) 

GEO.     Do  my  ears  deceive  me? 

NELL  H.     The  servants  are  evidently  carousing. 

GEO.     Singing  comic  songs ! 

NELL  R.  Your  uncle  is  undoubtedly  dead  and  they  are 
preparing  to  leave. 

NELL  H.     Your  uncle  dead? 

GEO.  Yes.  This  letter  summoned  me  to  his  bedside,  to 
attend  him  in  his  last  illness. 

NELL  H.     I  am  awfully  sorry. 

GEO.     (Calling  off    L.).     Is  that  you,  Nell? 

•»/}  45f    LI 

n  t\>\f   E*nter  NELL,  door  of  house. 

NELL.  OH-ho-ho — look  at  that  now!  (Aside.)  It's 
Masther  George!  Sure,  he's  caught  us  all  singin' !  (To 
GEO.)  What  are  ye  all  standin'  there  fer?  Why  don't  yez 
come  in? 

GEO.     Tell  me — Uncle  Obadiah — has  he  gone  ? 

NELL,  Sure,  he's  gone.  You  know  his  fondness  fer 
huntm'. 

GEO.  Alas !  He's  gone  to  his  final  hunting  grounds ! 
(CAPT.  fires  gun  outside,  R.)  What's  that — poachers? 
Have  they  no  respect  for  the  dead  ? 

NELL.     Sure,  that's  the  masther. 

ALL.     Who  ? 

NELL  (To  GEO.).  Your  uncle,  sir.  He's  gone  huntin' 
in  thfT  woods  beyant.  Faith,  I'll  go  an'  tell  him  ye've 
arrived.  (Exit  hastily  C.  to  R.). 

GEO.  Hold  on!  Don't  call  him!  (Runs  after  NELL.) 
Too  late — she's  gone.  (Coming  dozim  C.)  Well,  what 
do  you  think  of  that  ? 

NELL.  H.     It's  certainly  very  strange. 

GEO.  Strange  is  no  name  for  it!  (Pointing  off  R.  C.) 
Do  you  see  that  building  next  door? 

NELL  H.     Yes,  it's  the  State  Insane  Asylum. 

GEO.  (Excitedly).  Well,  uncle  hasn't  lived  alongside 
of  it  twenty  years  for  nothing !  He's  been  near  'em  so  long, 
that  he's  gone  daffy  himself!  (Nervously  walking  about.) 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  9 

That's  what's  the  matter  with  him — he's  crazy  as  a  bed 
bug! 

NELL  H.     You  are  not  sorry — 

GEO.  To  find  him  alive?  On  the  contrary,  I  hope  he'll 
live  forever — but  that  doesn't  alter  the  fact  that  I'm  in  a 
lovely  scrape — and  worse  still,  I  can't  see  any  way  out  of 
it! 

NELL  H.  But  you  have  not  explained  the  nature  of  the 
difficulty — 

NELL  R.  It's  np  use !  We're  caught !  Oh,  why  did  we 
come  herepjJv^  ^A/l*^ 

GEO.  (70  NELL  n.)  In  his  letter  my  uncle  has  sworn 
to  disinherit  me  unless  I  succeed  in  securing  you  as  my  wife. 

NELL  H.     Indeed? 

GEO.  Talk  about  being  "up  against  it" — don't  you  think 
that  I'm  "it"  with  a  big  I  ? 

NELL  H.  It  was  foolish  of  you  to  bring  your  wife  here 
with  you. 

GEO.     Of  course  it  was,  but  she  wouldn't  stay  at  home. 

NELL  R.     Well,  I  should  say  not ! 

NELL  H.     What  are  you  going  to  do? 

GEO.  Do?  Why,  111  get  out  of  here  as  fast  as  my  legs 
will  carry  me ! 

NELL  H.  What!  You,  a  lieutenant  in  the  /ist  infan 
try,  the  crack  regiment  of  the  country,  run  away  ? 

GEO.     Well,  you  see — 

NELL  H.  You,  who  fought  your  way  up  the  hill  at  El 
Caney,  and  won  promoticn  for  excessive  gallantry,  now 
afraid  to  meet  your  own  uncle? 

GEO.     But  this  is  different. 

NELL  H.  Can  you  care  less  for  your  wife's  future  hap 
piness  than  for  the  country  for  which  you  fought  so  nobly? 

GEO.  I'll  telegraph  uncle  that  I've  been  suddenly  taken 
ill! 

NELL  H.  You  forget  that  he  already  must  know  of  your 
arrival. 

GEO.     That  confounded  servant! 

NELL  H.  Well,  1  am  here,  and  will  do  all  in  my  power 
to  assist  you. 

GEO.     You  will? 


MISTAKE' 


NELL  R.'    How  good  of  you  ! 

GEO.  (To  Nell.  H.)  I'll  tell  uncle  that  I've  married 
you,  and  that  Nellie  here  is  merely  a  friend  of  yours,  come 
along  to  keep  you  company. 

NELL  R.  Oh,  pshaw,  why  don't  you  tell  the  truth  about 
it? 

GEO.     And  be  disinherited  for  my  disobedience?     No,  I 


say 


NELL  R.  (Pouting),  Well,  you  can't  be  her  husband 
and  mine,  too. 

GEO.  The  first  thing  I  know  I'll  be  arrested  for  bigamy! 
(Looking  off  R.  C.).  Here  he  comes  now. 

NELL  H.  Npw,  don't  get  confused.  Remember  your 
parts! 

GEO.  I'm  so  rattled  I  couldn't  remember  the  alphabet! 
(NELL  H.  down  L.,  NELL  R.  down  R.  and  GEO.  R.  C.) 

,   *  Enter  CAPT.  C.  I  from  R.     Lively  music. 
\A  J     «P  J 

CAPTAIN      (Tipping^cap)  .       Ladies,     you     honor     me. 

(Shakes  hands  with  GEO.)  George,  I  have  heard  of  your 
bravery  at  Santiago,  and  must  say  that  I  am  very  proud 
of  you. 

GEO.     I  merely  did  my  duty  - 

CAPT.  Tut,  tut.  We  know  that,  my  boy,  and  you  don't 
realize  how  it  pleases  me  to  know  that  you  have  at  last 
respected  my  wishes  sufficiently  to  wed  the  girl  I  selected 
for  you  so  long  ago.  (To  NELL  H.).  Nellie,  my  heart 
was  set  upon  this  match,  and  I  am  happy  to  be  able  to  re 
ceive  you  as  a  member  of  our  family.  (Kisses  NELL  H.). 

NELL  H.  (Introducing  NELL  R.).  Captain,  let  me  pre 
sent  you  to  my  friend,  Miss  Nellie  Blanchard. 

CAPT.  Delighted  to  know  you,  Miss  Blanchard,  and  per- 
mitj»e  to  add  thatSmy  friend  of  Mrs.  Richmond  (indica- 
NELL.  H.,  which\auses  NELL.  R.  to  wince)  is  doubly 
welcome/V.i 

N  R^  H"    '  &er  COR.,  C.  from  R. 

CORNELIA.^  -Good  morning,  folks. 

>ister,  I'm  glad  to  see  you.     (Shakes  hands  with 
and  kisses  her.) 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  11 

GEO.     Why,  it's  Aunt  Cornelia. 

CAPT.  (To  COR.).  Here's  our  nephew,  George.  He's 
survived  the  ordeal  of  an  army  campaign,  got  married,  ana 
fetched  his  wife  here  to  spend  the  honeymoon. 

COR.  How  romantic!  (To  GEO.)  I'm  right  glad  to  see 
you.  You're  looking  well.  (They^-skake  hands.) 

GEO.     And  you  look  as  fresh  as  adaisyTv\ 

COR.  Now,  George,  you  know  I  always  disliked  daisies. 
(Starts  to  kiss  GEO.  He_jlaes^uiij^edprocat£^  COR.,  sur 
prised,  notices  NELL  R.  an^iously~waJchmgGEO.)  And 
so  this  is  the  bride?  (Starts  tozvard  NELL  R.) 

GEO.  (Forgetting).  Yes,  she  is  my —  (corrects  him 
self)  that  is — Miss  Nellie  Blanchard,  a  friend  of  ours. 

COR.  Happy  to  know  you,  Miss  Blanchard.  (Tries  to 
kiss  her.) 

NELL  R.     (Kisses  COR.  on  the  cheek). 

COR.  (Goes  to  NELL  H.)  And  this  must  be  the  happy 
one.  As  I  live,  it's  Jerry  Huntington's  daughter!  Why, 
do  you  know,  I  came  very  near  being  your  mother  ? 

ALL.     Her  mother? 

NELL  H.  I  was  not  aware  that  my  father  intended  to 
commit  bigamy. 

COR.  Ah,  you  misunderstand  me.  He  courted  me  be 
fore  he  met  your  mother. 

ALL.     Oh ! 

COR.  When  I  jilted  him,  he  vowed  he'd  marry  the  first 
woman  that'd  have  him,  and  I  suppose  he  did. 

NELL  H.     (Aside).     She's  very  complimentary. 

GEO.  (Aside).  This  old  hen  is  liable  to  spoil  every 
thing. 

COR.  But  that  ain't  nothin'  against  you,  my  dear,  for 
you're  looking  as  blushin'  as  a  rosebud,  and  I'm  glad  you 
married  George,  for  I'm  sure  nobody  else  could  ever  hold 
him  in  when  he  gets  to  goin'  it  wild.  (Tries  to  kiss  NELL 
H.,  who  kisses  her  on  the  cheek.) 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  Going  it  wild,  eh?  I'll  ask  George 
for  an  explanation.  (Goes  to .  GEO^  gesticulating.  GEO. 
appears  to  pacify  her.  NELL  H.  goes  C.  and  converses  unth 
the  CAPT.) 

COR.       (Goes  down,  L.  Aside).     I  don't  like  it  one  bit 


M  ALL   A   MISTAKE. 

the  way  those  city  girls  have  of  kissing  a  person  on  the 
cheek.  Mercy  me !  If  there  had  been  many  more  of  them, 
they'd  have  kissed  off  all  that  "French  rougey."  (Rouge.) 
Fortunately,  I  have  plenty  with  me.  (Turns  her  back  to 
the  others,  takes  powder  rag  from  the  workbag  and  slyly 
touches  up  her  cheeks  -with  rouge.) 

GEO.  (Aside  to  NELL  R.).  It's  all  right,  I  tell  you. 
(She  pouts  and  looks  at  COR.  GEO.  pats  her  on  the  back.) 

COR.  (Aside).  George  seems  to  be  more  attentive  to 
Miss  Blanchard  than  he  is  to  his  wife.  I'm  afeared  they 
didn't  marry  fer  love. 

NELL  H.  (To  CAPT.).  Ah,  Captain,  married  life  is 
what  we  make  it. 

COR.  (Aside).  I  do  hope  I've  put  that  "rougey"  on 
all  right.  (To  NELL  H.)  Ah — Mrs.  Richmond — (NELL 
R.  starts) .  May  I  speak  a  word  with  you  ? 

NELL  H.  (Surprised)  With  me?  Certainly.  Excuse 
me,  Captain.  (Goes  to  COR.) 

CAPT.  Certainly,  my  dear.  (Aside.)  She's  a  ship 
shape  gal,  all  right,  but  from  what  she's  been  telling  me, 
I'll  bet  she'll  make  George  "toe  the  scratch." 

COR.  (Aside  to  NELL  H.).  My  dear,  do  you  notice 
anything  unusual  about  my  looks  ? 

NELL  H.  Well,  no,  unless  it  is  that  you  are  looking  ex 
ceedingly  well  and  have  such  lovely  rosy  cheeks. 

COR.  (Aside).  She's  noticed  the  "rougey!"  (To 
NELL  H.)  They  ain't  too  red,  are  they?  Don't  look  as 
if  I  was  getting  consumption? 

NELL  H.  Mercy,  no!  You  look  the  perfect  picture  of 
health.  (Goes  up  C.,  laughing.) 

COR.     (Aside).     I  breathe  again. 

CAPT.  But  what  am  I  thinking  of,  to  keep  you  all  stand 
ing  out  of  doors?  You  must  be  all  tired  out  after  your 
journey.  (Takes  NELL  H.'s  right  hand  with  his  left.) 
George,  your  hand.  (Takes  GEORGE'S  left  hand  with  his 
right.)  Ah,  it  does  my  old  heart  good  to  see  you  two 
married.  (NELL  H.  starts.  GEO.  nervously  feels  behind 
him  for  NELL  R.,  who  has  jealously  come  up  to  the  right 
and  back  of  him.  Jealous  business.  CAPT.,  not  noticing, 
continues.)  I  have  had  the  large  room  off  the  library  pre- 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  13 

pared  for  you,  and  Miss  Blanchard  and  Cornelia  can  choose 
between  the  spare  rooms  on  the  floor  above.  (Drops  their 
hands.  GEO.,  NELL  H.,  and  NELL  R.  nearly  faint.') 

GEO.  and  NELL  R.     (Together).     The  floor  above? 

NELL  H.  Captain — I — I  should  prefer  for  the  present 
to  be  with  Miss  Blanchard. 

GEO.     I  must  go  down  town  and  get  a  cigar. 

CAPT.     There's  a  fresh  box  in  your  room. 

GEO.     Yes,  but  I  only  smoke  mild  cigars. 

CAPT.  I  bought  these  extremely  mild,  especially  for 
your  use,  so  go  ahead  now,  take  your  traps  in  the  house, 
while  I  order  up  the  dinner.  (Pushes  GEO.  over  L.,  to 
where  he  dropped  the  luggage.  GEO.  picks  up  the  traps, 
one  by  one,  and  drops  them  as  fast  as  he  picks  them  up. 
NELL  H.  attempts  to  assist  him,  and  hands  bags,  etc.,  to 
him.  They  have  a  general  scramble  with  the  luggage  and 
finally  exit,  NELL  H.  pushing  GEO.  off  door  of  house. 
CAPT.  leads  NELL  R.  to  the  door.)  Permit  me,  my  dear. 
(Exit  NELL  R.,  door  of  house.}  Well,  sister,  what  do  you 
think  of  the  match  I've  made  for  George? 

COR.  I'm  afraid  it'll  be  another  case  of  "married  in 
haste  to  repent  at  leisure."  Men  are  such  deceitful  critters. 
(Exit  door  of  house.) 

CAPT.  I  wonder  what  she  means?  Well,  anyhow,  I'll 
order  up  such  a  feast  as  was  never  served  in  this  house  be 
fore.  (Exit  C.  to  R.) 

Enter  NELL  R.,  door  of  house. 

NELL  R.  I've  a  good  notion  to  run  away  and  go  home 
to  my  mother ! 

Enter  GEO.,  door  of  house. 

GEO.     Nellie,  where  are  you? 
NELL  R.     Here! 

GEO.  Thank  goodness,  we  are  alone  at  last !  (Hugs  and 
kisses  her.) 

Enter  CAPT.  C.  from  R.  and  COR.,  door  of  house. 
CAPT.     (Coming  down  stage,  yells  furiously}.     George! 
GEO.     (Jumping  L.).    Wow! 
NELL  R.     (Jumping  R.).     Oh,  what  have  I  done? 
COR.       (Crosses  R.).     Oh,  I'm  shocked! 


14  ALL   A   MISTAKE. 

CAPT.  I've  a  good  notion  to  tell  your  wife  on  you,  but 
presuming  that  this  is  your  first  offense,  I  will  spare  her 
feelings,  and  put  a  stop  to  this  thing  at  once  by  escorting 
Miss  Blanchard  to  her  home  and  parents. 

Enter  NELL  H.,  door  of  house. 

GEO.     (Furious).     Sir!     How  dare  you? 

NELL  H.  Captain,  don't  you  think  that  is  rather  severe 
on  Miss  Blanchard? 

COR.  (Aside).  This  certainly  proves  that  "love  is  an 
enigma."  U  C  (*  Kf.*V 

CAPT.  (Takes  NELL*  vR.'s  han<£*  5V  sobs.  Speaking 
to  NELL  H.).  There,  my  dear,  I  am  well  aware  of  your 
gentle,  forgiving  nature,  but  this  has  gone  far  enough ! 
Reflect — Miss  Blanchard's  honor  is  at  stake ! 

GEO.     (Furious).     Sir!     I — 

CAPT.  Not  another  word!  (Exit,  ivith  NELL  R.,  C. 
toR.) 

COR.  (Sits  grandly  on  bench,  R.).  I  declare!  I'm  all 
tuckered  out! 

GEO.     (Runs  after  CAPT.  and  NELL  R.) 

NELL  H.  (Grabbing  him  by  the  coat  tail).  Stop!  Are 
you  crazy?  (They  have  a  "tug-of-war" — he  trying  to  e.rit 
and  she  pulling  him  back.) 

COR.  He's  actually  running  after  that  Blanchard  gal, 
right  before  his  wife's  very  eyes !  Goodness  me !  I  hope 
I'll  never  have  the  misfortune  to  marry  such  a  man! 

NELL  H.     (Aside  to  GEO.).     What  would  you  do? 

GEO.  (Aside  to  NELL  H.).  I'm  going  to  confess  every 
thing  ! 

NELL  H.     And  be  disinherited  ?     No,  you  must  not ! 

GEO.     But  what  can  I  do? 

NELL  H.     Wait!    Watch  your  chance! 

COR.  (To  NELL  H.).  Mrs.  Richmond,  ain't  you  tired 
of  bothering  your  head  about  that  wicked  husband  of  yours  ? 
Take  my  advice  and  let  him  alone.  He'll  cool  off  all  the 
quicker. 

GEO.  Cool  off?  I  wish  I  could!  I'm  almost  boiling 
over ! 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  15 

COR.  (To  NELL  H.)-  Come,  sit  by  me  and  rest.  It 
will  pacify  your  nerves. 

NELL  H.  (Aloud  to  GEO.).  Now,  George,  don't  get 
excited;  Keep  cool,  and  everything  will  come  out  all  right. 
(Goes  R.) 

COR.  (Aside).  Keep  cool?  Don't  get  excited?  Well! 
She  lets  him  off  mighty  easy  after  what  he's  done !  I'll 
have  to  give  her  some  pointers  on  handling  men-folks. 

GEO.  Well,  nobody  wants  me — I  suppose  the  best  thing 
I  can  do  is  to  go  and  soak  my  head !  (Exit  door  of  house.} 

COR.  A  very  wise  conclusion.  It'll  keep  him  out  of  mis 
chief. 

NELL  H.  (Sighing).  I  sincerely  hope  so.  (Sits  be 
side  COR.) 

COR.  My  dear,  I  am  astonished  at  your  wonderful  dis 
play  of  self-control.  It  must  require  strong  nerves. 

NELL  H.  Yes,  on  the  present  occasion  I  must  admit  it 
does  require  considerable  "nerve." 

COR.  Such  scenes  must  be  very  annoying.  But,  tell  me, 
since  you  have  been  able  to  conduct  yourself  in  so  calm  a 
manner  in  the  very  face  of  your  husband's  duplicity — what 
do  you  consider  the  most  trying  circumstance  of  married 
life? 

NELL  H.  (Sighing).  Trying  to  get  a  husband,  I 
should  suppose. 

COR.  (Laughing).  What  a  cheerful  disposition  you 
have. 

NELL  H.     It  is  the  secret  of  happiness. 

COR.  Yes,  indeed.  From  what  I  have  seen,  I  do  believe 
you  could  compel  yourself  to  be  happy  under  any  circum 
stances. 

NELL  H.  (Aside).  She  little  knows  how  unhappy  I 
really  am. 

COR.  But,  speaking  of  secrets,  do  you  know,  I  have  a 
secret. 

NELL  H.     Indeed?    How  do  you  manage  to  keep  it? 

COR.  (Touches  heart,  raising  workbag  as  she  does  so), 
It  is  concealed  here. 

NELL  H.     In  the  workbag? 


16  ALL   A   MISTAKE. 

COR.  No,  in  the  innermost  depths  of  my  gentle,  trusting 
heart. 

NELL  H.  A  touch  of  heart  disease  probably.  Have  you 
consulted  a  physician? 

COR.  Alas,  no !  There  is  but  one  physician  who  can  cure 
me,  and  he  I  have  not  seen. 

NELL  H.     But  you  will — 

COR.     Very  soon,  I  hope.     I  came  here  for  that  purpose. 

NELL  H.    Here? 

COR.  Yes.  I  know  he  is  coming  to  meet  me !  I  feel  that 
he  is  yearning  for  me ! 

NELL  H.  (Trying  to  conceal  her  merriment'].  And 
pray,  who  is  this  noted  personage? 

COR.  (In  a  giddy  manner).  Oh,  that  is  my  secret,  but 
I  feel  that  it  is  too  weighty  to  keep  to  myself  any  longer. 
It's  Romeo !  My  Romeo !  He  wrote  me  he  wore  my  image 
in  his  heart. 

NELL  H.     I  really  believe  you  are  in  love. 

COR.  Yes,  they  say  "true  love  is  a  spasm,"  and  I've  had 
several  already.  (Giddily.)  Te-he!  Te-he!  Us  girls  be 
come  so  giddy  when  we  fall  in  love ! 

NELL  H.  (Eyeing  her  suspiciously).  But  where  did 
you  make  the  acquaintance  of  this — Lothario? 

COR.  I  answered  an  advertisement  in  the  paper.  He  ad 
vertised  for  a  wife. 

NELL  H.     (Suppressing  laughter).     Oh! 

COR.  I  wrote  him  to  meet  me  here,  as  I  was  all  alone  at 
home.  He  calls  me  his  "Nellie,"  and  I  thought  I  had  best 
tell  you  about  him,  as  when  he  arrives  he  will  ask  for 
"Nellie,"  and  you  might  think  he  was  looking  for  you  or 
Miss  Blanchard. 

NELL  H.  (Sarcastically).  A  very  wise  precaution,  I 
assure  you.  But  you  have  never  seen  your  Romeo.  How 
can  you  be  certain  that  you  love  him? 

COR.  Oh,  I  am  sure  that  I  shall.  He  writes  me  such 
charming,  poetical  letters.  See!  I  have  them  with  me. 
(Takes  bundle  of  letters  from  bag.)  Forty-six  of  them — 
all  tied  up  with  a  yellow  ribbon !  (Looks  around  ner 
vously.)  Come  with  me  to  the  summer  house  at  the  other 
end  of  the  garden,  and  I'll  read  them  all  to  you ! 


ALL  A   MISTAKE.  17 

NELL  H.  (Trying  to  escape).  I  should  be  delighted, 
but— 

COR.     Come,  now,  I  shan't  take  "no"  for  an  answer. 

NELL  H.     But — my — my  husband — 

COR.  Oh,  he  can  wait.  It'll  do  him  good,  and  you 
needn't  be  jealous  of  that  Blanchard  gal.  Brother  Obadiah 
will  keep  her  out  of  your  husband's  way  all  right.  (Exit, 
tragically,.  R.  2  E.) 

NELL  H.  Forty-six  letters?  And  she's  going  to  read 
them  all  to  me?  I'm  afraid  I'd  feel  like  jumping  overboard 
and  saying,  "Here  goes  nothing,"  if  I  should  ever  live  to 
be  like  her.  (Exit  R.  2  E.)  s 

Enter  FERDINAND  LIGHTHEAD    C.  from  R.     Very  foppish 

dude,  with  ridiculous  mannerisms.     Business  of  ^valk- 

ing  up  and  down,  swallowing  cane  handle,  etc. 

FERDY.  Now,  do  you  know,  I've  been  wondering,  when 
it  wains,  whether  the  wain  comes  down,  or  the  earth  goes 
up  to  meet  it?  Awa,  good  idea,  by  jove!  If  I  can  prove 
that  it  does,  I  might  become  a  weal  wain-maker,  and  make 
a  fortune.  (Laughing.)  A-ha-A-ha!  Deuced  clevah,  by 
jove !  What  do  you  think  ?  No,  that's  wong,  you  know. 
My  fathaw  told  me  I'd  bettah  not  twy  to  think — it  might 
weaken  my  intellect.  Awa,  good  idea,  by  jove!  (Walking 
up  and  doztm.)  Why,  I'll  wagaw  I've  been  heah  five  mo 
ments,  and  I  haven't  seen  Miss  "Nellie"  yet. 

Enter  CEO.,  door  of  house. 

GEO.  (Crossing  to  R.).  Talk  about  suffering  in  the 
fire  and  brimstone  of  Hades !  It  couldn't  beat  the  peck  of 
trouble  I'm  in  now!  (Noticing  FERDY'S  peculiar  actions.) 
Hello!  Where  did  it  spring  from?  Yes — no — yes — it  is 
alive ! 

FERDY.  (Not  perceiving  GEO.,  walks  up  and'  down  L.. 
as  if  expecting  someone.) 

GEO.  (Aside) .  Ah,  I  understand.  It  has  escaped  from 
the  Lunatic  Asylum  next  door.  I'll  capture  him  and  take 
him  back.  (Edges  toward  FERDY.) 

FERDY.     (Sees  GEO.,  and  edges  the  other  ivay.) 


18  ALL  A    MISTAKE. 

GEO.  He's  a  tricky  son-of-a-gun  all  right.  (Waves  his 
hand  at  FERDY  in  a  peculiar  manner.) 

FERDY.  (Aside).  Deuced  stwange,  you  know!  I  do 
believe  he's  escaped  from  the  Lunatic  Asylum.  I  must 
humor  him.  (Makes  the  same  motion  of  the  hand  in  re 
sponse  to  GEO.) 

GEO.  (Plates  his  thumbs  in  his  ears  and  wggles  his 
fingers. ) 

FERDY.     (Imitates  GEO.) 

GEO.  (Shakes  his  hand  in  front  of  himself,  and  chasei 
it  down  stage.) 

FERDY.     (Imitates  GEO.) 

GEO.  (Dances  around,  pretending  to  catch  butterflies, 
etc.) 

FERDY.     (Imitates  GEO.) 

GEO.  (Suddenly  grabs  FERDY  and  tries  to  drag  him  up 
stage.) 

FERDY.  (Drawing  back).  Stop!  You  hurt,  don't  you 
know.  (Aside.)  Gwacious!  Supposing  he  should  be 
dangewous  ? 

GEO.  (Soothingly).  There — that's  all  right — come 
along  with  me  and  we'll  have  a  grand  old  time. 

FERDY.  But  I  don't  want  to  have  a  grand  old  time,  you 
know,  doncherknow. 

GEO.  All  right,  then  we'll  go  home.  (Locking  arms 
with  FERDY,  he  sings.)  "We  won't  go  home  until  morn 
ing,  oh,  we  won't  go  home  until  morning!" 

FERDY.  (PI alf -crying,  breaks  away).  I  want  to  go 
home  to  my  mamma ! 

GEO.  (Aside).  Ah,  now  I'll  get  him  to  go.  (To 
FERDY.)  Come  ahead;  we'll  both  go. 

FERDY.  Awa — go  away,  you  naughty  man !  I  don't 
know  you,  doncherknow! 

GEO.     Say!    Do  you  know  where  you  live? 

FERDY.  "With  my  papa  and  my  mamma,  of  course ;  three: 
doors  from  here,  down  the  road. 

GEO.     Well,  what  are  you  doing  here  ? 

FERDY.     I — I  came  to  see  Miss  Nellie — 

GEO.     (Suspiciously).     What  "Nellie?" 

FERDY.     Why,  Nellie  Blanchard,  of  course. 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  19 

GEO.  (Aside).  My  wife!  (To  FERDY.)  Well,  she 
doesn't  want  to  see  you ! 

FERDY.     She  does  so — she  wrote  me  to  call. 

GEO.     Wrote  you? 

FERDY.  Yes,  and  here  is  the  letter.  (Hands  letter  to 
GEO.) 

GEO.  Give  it  to  me!  (Aside.)  I'd  like  to  punch  his 
head!  (Reads.)  "My  dear  Romeo !"  (Aside.)  So!  His 
name  is  "Romeo,"  eh?  I'll  Romeo  her  when  I  see  her! 
(Reads.)  "Meet  me  at  once  at  Captain  Skinner's,  'Oak 
Farm/  Westchester.  Ever  your  own  dear  Nellie."  (To 
FERDY.)  Where  did  you  get  this? 

FERDY.     (Frightened).     She — she  sent  it  to  me. 

GEO.  (Aside).  Well,  this  is  certainly  the  limit!  So, 
Xellie  has  been  flirting  on  the  quiet,  eh?  Well,  I'll  just  put 
a  stop  to  this  business  at  once!  (To  FERDY.)  You — you — 
say  you — the  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  leave — go — get  out 
(Chases  FERDY  up  C.,  shaking  his  fist  at  him.) 

*f 

J  Enter  CAPT.  and  NELL  R.,  C.  from  R. 


FERDY.     (Backing  up,  steps  on  CAPT/S  feet.) 

CAPT.  (Dances  around,  yelling  ivith  pain).  Wow! 
what  made  you  do  it?  Oh,  wow  !  (Recoi'ering.)  My  dear 
Ferdinand,  while  I  fail  to  appreciate  your  method  of  greet 
ing,  yet  I  must  say  that  you  are  just  the  person  I  have  been 
looking  for. 

GEO.  (Going  down  R.,  and  putting  letter  in  pocket. 
Aside).  Ferdinand?  So  this  is  her  old  sweetheart,  and 
she  calls  him  her  "Romeo."  Oh,  this  is  rich !  (During  the 
above  FERDY  goes  to  NELL  R.  and  shakes  her  hand.) 

CAPT.  (To  FERDY).  This  is  Miss  Blanchard — (No- 
ticing  them  shaking  hands. )  But  I  perceive  you  are  already 
acquainted — so  much  the  better. 

GEO.     (Aside).     So  much  the  worse  for  me! 

NELL  R.     Yes.  Mr.  Lighthead  and  I  are  old  friends. 

GEO.  (Jealous.  Aside).  And  very  dear  friends,  no 
doubt ! 

CAPT.     And  I  hope  to  make  you  more  than  friends. 

NELL  R.     (Aside).     What  can  he  mean? 


20  ALL  A   MISTAKE. 

GEO.  (Aside).  I'll  swear  they're  already  more  than 
friends. 

CAPT.  This  young  lady  has  been  subjected  to  the  most 
annoying  attentions  from  a  certain  young  reprobate — 

GEO.     (Aside).     That's  me. 

FERDY.     Mercy!    How  shocking! 

CAPT.     For  whom  she,  of  course,  has  no  affection. 

FERDY.     (Beaming  on  NELL  R.).     Of  course  not. 

GEO.     (Aside.)     Why  should  she,  fool  that  I  am? 

CAPT.     (Suddenly).     George,  come  here! 

GEO.     (Goes  up  stage,  sulkily.) 

CAPT.  Mr.  Lighthead,  let  me  introduce  my  nephew, 
George  Richmond — a  Santiago  hero — (Aside)  and  a  heart- 
breaker  as  well.  (GEO.  squeezes  FERDY'S  hand  until  he  dou 
bles  up  in  pain.  NELL  R.  smiles  at  GEO.  ) 

FERDY.     Oh,  my !     Deuced  clevah,  by  jove ! 

CAPT.  (To  FERDY).  He  has  just  returned  with  his 
bride,  and  we're  all  going  to  celebrate,  and  as  I  have  so  many 
things  to  attend  to,  I  want  you  to  entertain  Miss  Blanchard 
for  the  day,  and  I  must  caution  you  to  be  very  attentive,  as 
she  is  a  most  exacting  young  lady. 

FERDY.     Chawmed,  doncherknow. 

NELL  R.     (Protesting).     But,  Captain,  I — 

CAPT.  Not  a  word !  (Aside  to  her.)  He's  soft,  I  admit, 
but  he  isn't  a  trifler!  (Looks  severely  at  GEO.) 

GEO.  (Attempting  chnlity  to  FERDY).  So  you  are  Mr. 
Lighthead  ? 

FERDY.     Ya-as.    How  funny! 

GEO.  (Clenching  his  fist  behind  him.  Aside).  Oh,  how 
I'd  like  to  hit  him ! 

CAPT.  (To  FERDY).  There  now,  run  along,  and  don't 
be  late  for  dinner.  Do  the  gallant,  my  boy  (slaps  FERDY 
on  the  back  so  hard  he  nearly  collapses),  and  remember: 
"Faint  heart  never  won  fair  lady." 

FERDY.  Ya-as.  Deuced  clevah,  by  jove !  (Leads  NELL 
R.  down  L. ) 

GEO.  (Aside).  Uncle  is  actually  encouraging  that  idiot 
to  court  my  wife ! 

CAPT.     Whatever  you  do,  be  careful  not  to  get  into  the 


ALL  A    MISTAKE.  21 

Lunatic  Asylum  next  door.  (To  GEO.)  They'll  make  a 
fine  match,  eh,  George? 

GEO.     (Aside).     I  can't  stand  this  much  longer. 

CAPT.  Now,  George,  I  must  caution  you  to  be  more  at 
tentive  to  your  wife.  It  isn't  right  for  you  to  neglect  her, 
and  especially  so  soon  after  you're  married.  (Points  to  NELL 
R.  and  FERDY.)  Look  there!  See  how  affectionate  they 
are,  and  they're  not  even  engaged  yet. 

GEO.  (Aside).  Talk  about  the  tortures  of  the  mediaeval 
ages  !  They  weren't  a  marker  to  this  ! 

CAPT.     I'll  bet  they'll  be  engaged  before  the  day  is  over. 

GEO.  (Aside).  I'll  confess  the  whole  business.  (To 
CAPT.)  Uncle,  I — 

CAPT.  Stop  where  you  are,  and  go  to  your  wife !  I  must 
attend  to  the  love  feast !  You'll  be  sorry  for  all  this  neglect 
some  day.  (Exit  hastily,  door  of  house.)^ 

GEO.  (Going  down  R.).  He  won't  even  listen  to  me! 
(Perceives  FERDY  and  NELL  R.  Business  of  jealousy.) 
Heavens !  If  this  keeps  up  much  longer,  I'll  go  clean  off 
the  handle ! 

FERDY.  Awa,  Miss  Nellie,  you  don't  know  how  glad  I 
am  to  see  you  again. 

GEO.     (Aside).     Undoubtedly. 

FERDY.     I  think  an  awful  lot  of  you. 

NELL  R.     (Impatiently).     Do  you? 

GEO.  (Aside).  I'd  like  to  have  him  up  a  dark  alley! 
I'd  show  what  I  think  of  him ! 

FERDY.  (Takes  NELL  R/s  arm,  and  tries  to  stroll  off 
L.,  but  each  time  she  pivots  around  and  walks  back).  Awa, 
do  you  know — there's  a  field  down  the  road — 

GEO.  (Aside).  Gee!  But  his  powers  of  observation  are 
highly  developed! 

FERDY.     And  it's  just  full  of  lovely  golden-rod! 

GEO.     (Aside).     And  I'm  just  full  of  cussedness! 

FERDY.  (Surprised  that  she  turns  him  back  every  time 
he  attempts  to  exit} .  Awa,  don't  you  like  flowers  ? 

NELL  R,  (Desperately}.  Not  golden-rod.  The  only 
flowers  I  like  are  Jack  roses. 

GEO.  (Aside}.  Well,  judging  from  her  affection  for 
him,  she  must  be  fond  of  jackasses ! 


22  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

FERDY.  By  jove,  we  have  a  whole  hothouse  full  of  roses 
at  home!  Just  come  with  me  and  we'll  pick  them  all. 

NELL  R.  (Nervously).  I'd  rather  not.  It's  too  near 
dinner-time. 

FERDY.  Very  well;  you  needn't  go.  Just  wait  here,  and 
I'll  go  and  get  them  for  you.  (Going  R.)  By  jove,  I'll 
bring  her  a  whole  wagonload!  (Waving  his  liand  to  NELL 
R. )  Ta-ta !  Ta-ta !  See  you  later !  See  you  sooner ! 
Ta-ta !  Doncherknow  !  Ta-ta ! 

GEO.  (So  jealous  he  can  stand  it  no  longer,  grabs 
FERDY  by  the  collar  and  the  seat  of  his  trousers,  and  runs 
him  off  C.  to  R.  Then  coming  down  C.)  Well,  thank 
heaven,  he's  gone ! 

NELL  R.     (Provoked}.     Well? 

GEO.     Oh,  I  forgot.     I  suppose  you're  sorry ! 

NELL  R.     Sorry  for  what? 

GEO.     Why,  that — gone  for  Jack  -roses ! 

NELL  R.     I  do  not  understand. 

GEO.  Of  course  you  don't!  (Dancing  around  in  anger.) 
Of  course  you  don't!  (Mysteriously.)  Oh,  Romeo! 
(Yells.)  Romeo!  (Yells  louder.)  Romeo! 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  Our  troubles  have  turned  his  head. 
(To  GEO.,  soothingly.)  Dear  George,  don't  get  angry — 

GEO.  Not  a  bit  of  it !  (Furious.)  I  wouldn't  get  angry 
for  the  world ! 

NELL  R.  (Placing  her  hand  on  his  shoulder).  It  won't 
do  a  bit  of  good. 

GEO.     (Jealous).     Has  it  gone  that  far? 

NELL  R.     (Eyeing  him  suspiciously).     I'm  afraid  it  has  ! 

GEO.  (Angry).  Then  the  best  thing  we  can  do  is  to 
quit!  (He  means  to  separate.) 

NELL  R.  I  think  so,  too,  George.  (She  means  to  leave 
the  place.) 

GEO.  She  takes  it  coolly  enough.  I  don't  suppose  she 
ever  cared  a  snap  for  me !  Oh,  what  a  fool  I've  been ! 

NELL  R.  (Aside}.  I  do  wish  he'd  stop  that  muttering. 
It  quite  unnerves  me. 

GEO.     (Half -angry,  half -sad.)     When  are  you  going? 

NELL  R.     At  once,  George,  if  you  wish  it. 


ALL   A   MISTAKE.  2B 

GEO.  (Bitterly).  Indeed?  And  what  have  I  to  do 
about  it  ? 

NELL  R.  (Chilled).  Why,  everything — where  you  go, 
I  go ;  and  where  I  go,  you  go. 

GEO.     But  what  are  you  going  to  do  with  "Romeo?" 

NELL  R.     Do  with  whom? 

GEO.  You  know  who  I  mean,  all  right !  Romeo ! 
Romeo ! 

NELL  R.  (Not  comprehending,  but  laughing).  Oh, 
he'll  be  all  right. 

GEO.     (Aside).     Oh,  of  course,  he'll  be  all  right. 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  If  I  can  only  get  him  away  from 
here,  it  may  cure  him!  (To  GEO.)  Now,  George,  you 
wait  right  here  till  I  get  our  things.  I  shan't  be  a  minute. 
(Exit  quickly,  door  of  house.) 

GEO.  She's  actually  dancing  with  glee  at  the  thought 
of  running  away  with  that  pie-faced  dude !  Even  my  wife 
gone  back  on  me !  Oh,  this  is  too  much !  Well,  I  suppose 
I  may  as  well  go  and  jump  overboard!  (Goes  L.,  slowly.) 
No !  That  would  please  them  too  much !  I'll  live !  Live 
to  be  revenged  !  I'll  wait  for  my  uncle's  money,  and  become 
an  old  bachelor,  or  a  grass  widow,  or  something!  I'll 
— I'll — (Walking  around,  is  suddenly  struck  by  a  new  idea). 
Ah — ah — Nellie  Huntington  and  I  are  passing  as  man  and 
wife — she's  a  pretty  girl — yes,  and  a  sensible  girl  as  well ! 
She  didn't  seem  at  all  reluctant  to  pass  as  my  wife.  She 
might  be  willing  to  remain  so!  By  gracious,  I'll  ask  her! 
Hold  on — I'll  have  to  get  rid  of  the  other  one  first !  Heaven 
help  me  in  the  step  I'm  taking — but  she  drove  me  to  it! 
Think  of  it — preferring  a  lop-eared  dude  to  me — and  throw 
it  in  my  face  at  that!  But  I'll  get  even  with  her!  Just 
wait  till  I'm  married  to — hello !  here  comes  Miss  Hunting- 
ton  now.  I'll  sound  her,  and  see  if  she  likes  the  part  she's 
playing  well  enough  to  keep  it  up  forever. 

Enter  NELL  H.,  R.  2  E. 

NELL  H.  What,  still  sulking?  It  won't  help  things  a 
particle.  Why  don't  you  cheer  up? 

GEO.  (Shyly).  How — how  do  you —  (Suddenly 
grabs  her  hand  and  shakes  it.)  How  are  you? 


24  ALL  A  MISTAKE 

NELL  H.  (Surprised}.  Quite  well,  thank  you. 
(Aside.)  The  trouble  has  been  too  much  for  him.  I'm 
afraid  it's  turned  his  head. 

GEO.  (Confused).  You — you — where's  Aunt  Cor 
nelia  ? 

NELL  H.  I  left  her  in  the  summer  house.  Shall  I  call 
her? 

GEO.  No — no!  No — no!  I  merely  wanted  to — 
(Aside.)  I  can't  ask  her!  Every  time  I  go  to  speak,  it 
chokes  me!  There's  no  denying  it — I  do  love  my  own 
little  Nellie,  in  spite  of  her  affection  for  "Romeo !" 

NELL  H.  (Who  has  strolled  up  R.  C.).  Do  you  see  that 
man? 

GEO.    Yes,  of  course  I  do.    What  of  it  ? 

NELL  H.  That  is  Mr.  Richard  Hamilton.  (Agitated.) 
I  wouldn't  have  him  meet  me  here  for  the  world ! 

GEO.  (Aside).  I  do  believe  that  even  she  is  in  love  with 
somebody  else! 

NELL  H.  I  may  as  well  inform  you  that  Mr.  Hamilton 
and  I  are  engaged,  but  for  reasons  of  my  own  I  wish  to 
avoid  him  for  the  present. 

GEO.  (Aside).  That  settles  it!  The  next  woman  I  make 
love  to  will  be  deaf,  dumb,  blind,  halt,  lame  and  have  no 
teeth !  Then  I  may  stand  some  chance  of  keeping  her  to 
myself ! 

NELL  H.  He  must  not  see  me!  And  don't  you  dare  to 
tell  him  that  I  am  passing  off  as  your  wife !  (Runs  to  door 
of  house.)  Remember!  Your  uncle — and  your  wife! 
(Exits  door  of  house.) 

GEO.  Oh,  hang  my  wife!  Here  I  must  keep  her  loath 
some  conduct  a  secret — absolutely  condone  her  wickedness 
— in  order  not  to  arouse  my  uncle's  suspicions!  If  it  isn't 
enough  to  drive  a  man  insane,  then  I'll — but  here  is  Mr. 
Hamilton. 

Enter  RICHARD  HAMILTON,  C.  from  R. 

RICH.  (Coming  down).  Excuse  me,  sir.  I  am  Rich 
ard  Hamilton.  I  trust  that  you  will  pardon  my  intrusion, 
but  as  I  was  just  passing  I  wondered  if  I  might  be  per 
mitted  to  inspect  your  beautiful  grounds. 


ALL  A  MISTAKE  25 

GEO.  Certainly.  It  will  be  a  pleasure  to  show  them 
to  you. 

RICH.  Oh,  no ;  you  needn't  bother  to  accompany  me.  I 
should  not  desire  to  take  you  from  your  duties,  and  I  sup 
pose  this  is  your  busy  hour 

GEO.  (puzzled}.     Busy  hour? 

RICH.  Yes.  I  understood  the  patients  were  given  their 
daily  exercise  at  this  time. 

GEO.  (dryly}.  Oh,  yes!  (Aside.}  He  has  mistaken  this 
for  the  Lunatic  Asylum  next  door  and  me  for  the  keeper ! 
A  good  idea !  I'll  get  even  with  the  whole  crowd  for  treat 
ing  me  so  shabbily !  I'll  pass  them  all  off  as  lunatics !  Uncle, 
Miss  Huntington,  wife  and  all ! 

RICH.  I  wanted  to  inquire  particularly  in  regard  to 
music 

GEO.  Yes,  we  all  like  music — great  thing — has  "charms 
to  soothe  the  ear  of  the  savage  beast,"  you  know. 

RICH.  (Aside}.  He  seems  a  trifle  stupid  himself,  but  I 
suppose  it  comes  from  associating  so  continually  with  the 
poor  unfortunates.  (To  GEO.)  I  must  inform  you  that  I 
am  very  much  interested  in  music,  especially  in  regard  to 
its  effect  upon  persons  and  animals. 

GEO.    I  see ;  you  like  to  "try  it  on  the  dog." 

RICH.  (Smiling  absently}.  Precisely,  and  I  hope  you  will 
permit  me  to  observe  your  method  of  applying  the  musical 
effect  upon  your  patients — that  is  if 

GEO.  Oh,  don't  mention  it.  I  shall  be  delighted,  I  assure 
you. 

RICH.  Very  well,  then ;  I  shall  just  step  to  my  car  and 
instruct  the  chauffeur  to  return  without  me.  It  will  take 
but  a  moment.  (Bo^i's  profoundly  and  exit,  C.  to  R.} 

GEO.  (Returning  to  bow}.  Now,  we'll  try  the  musical 
system !  But  I  must  not  carry  the  joke  too  far.  He's  liable 
to  investigate  and  ruin  all  my  plans. 

Enter  NELL,  door  of  house. 

NELL.  Sure,  sir;  but  Miss  Blanchard  do  be  wantin'  to 
know  If  yez'll  assist  her  in  packin'  her  things.  •  I  tried  to 
help  her,  but  she  sent  me  away.  Sure  she's  cryin',  sir,  an' 
takin'  on  terrible 


26  ALL  A   MISTAKE. 

GEO.    Don't  bother  me  now. 

NELL.     Yes,  sir. 

GEO.    I  say  no ! 

NELL.    No,  sir. 

GEO.  (Roars).    I  did,  I  tell  you!     (Looks  off  C.) 

NELL.  Mercy  me!  What's  the  matter  wid  thim  all? 
Faith,  I  has  me  suspicions.  (Taps  her  forehead  signifi 
cantly.)  "That  lun-nat-tic  asylum  next  door  is  altogether 
too  close. 

Enter  NELL  H.,  door  of  house,  heavily  veiled. 

NELL  H.    Has  he  gone? 

GEO.    Yes,  but  he'll  return  in  a  minute. 

NELL.  H.    Oh,  goodness,  I  must  go!     (Goes  to  door  of 
house  and  nearly  runs  into  NELL  R.) 
Enter  NELL  R.,  door  of  house,  loaded  down  with  the  bags, 
wraps,  etc.,  carried  by  GEO.  and  her  at  opening  of  act. 

NELL  R.  (Sobbing) .    George !    George ! 

GEO.    Don't  bother  me  now  !    Wait !    Wait ! 

NELL  H.  (To  NELL  R).  Why,  my  dear,  what  is  the 
matter  ? 

NELL  R.  (Pantomimes  that  GEO.  is  insane). 

NELL  (Going  down  L.).  This  is  more  fun  than  a  ten- 
cent  circus !" 

Enter  COR.   hastily,  R.  2  E. 

i . /  COR.   (Screaming).     Oh!     Oh!     Oh! 
ALL.    What  is  the  matter  ? 
COR.    A  man !    A  man  in  the  garden ! 

Enter  CAPT.,  door  of  house. 

CAPT.    Who's  hurt? 

COR.     A  man!     A  man! 

CAPT.     Where?     (Looks  off,  R.) 
Enter  FERDY,  C.  from  R.,  ^v^th  wheelbarrow  full  of  roses. 

FERDY  (to  NELL  R.).  Here  are  your  Jack  roses,  Miss 
Nellie !  (Looks  at  NELL  R.  and  fails  to  see  where  he  is  go 
ing,  so  by  mistake  runs  the  wheel  between  CAPT/S  legs.) 

CAPT.  (Falling  back  in  wheelbarrow).  Help!  Murder! 
Police ! 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  27 

GEO.  (up  C.  L.).A  lunatic  has  escaped  from  the  Insane 
Asylum  and  is  coming  this  way ! 

CAPT.  Dance!  Dance!  Everyone  of  you!  (Gets  up.) 
It's  the  only  way  to  pacify  a  lunatic!  Dance  and  sing 
like  me.  {Each  one  sjng±  a  portion  of  a  different  song  and 
each  dances  in  a  peculiar  manner,  different  from  the  rest. 
Hurry  music,  P,  till  curtain  down.) 

Enter  RICH.,  C.  from  R..  fanning  himself  zvith  his  hat  as 
if  overheated  from  walking  rapidly. 

GEO.  (dancing  in  a  ridiculous  manner;  yells  at  RICHARD). 
Join  in  !  Join  in  !  It's  a  part  of  the  "musical  system  !" 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


ACT  II. 

SCENE. — Fancy  chamber,  boxed  in  $d  grooves.  Interior 
backing  4th  grooves.  Center  door.  Window  in  flat 
R.  C.  Doors  R.  2  and  L.  2.  Table  down  C.  Sofa  R. 
Hot-air  radiator  down  L.  Chair  R.  of  table.  Cane- 
bottom  chair  near  radiator.  Lively  music  till  curtain  up. 

Enter  NELL  H.,  door   L. 

NELL  H.  I  am  afraid  I've  made  a  great  mistake.  As  is 
usual  in  such  cases,  I  have  helped  to  extricate  George  and 
his  wife  from  an  awkward  position,  only  to  place  myself 
in  a  worse  one.  My  darling  Richard  is  in  the  same  house 
with  me,  and  yet  we  must  be  as  strangers,  for  I  dare  not 
reveal  my  identity.  It  would  ruin  George  if  I  were  to  con 
fess  the  part  I  am  playing,  and  yet,  if  Richard  should  recog 
nize  me,  it  would  surely  estrange  us  forever !  He  will  meet 
and  converse  with  the  others.  My  name  will  be  mentioned 
as  the  supposed  "happy  bride,"  and  one  little  word  is  liable 
to  ruin  my  future  happiness.  If  I  could  only  get  away 
from  here !  But,  no !  I  cannot  desert  them  now,  and  yet  if 
I  stay 


28  ALL   A   MISTAKE. 

Enter  GEO.  R. 


GEO.  It's  no  use  talking,  I  —  (starts  to  exit  door  C.  NELI, 
H.  tries  to  intercept  him  and  he  dodges  her.) 

NELL  H.  (Catching  him  by  the  arm  and  ivheeling  him 
around  facing  her).  Well,  my  dear  hubby,  what  will  be 
your  next  surprise? 

GEO.  (Stopping  so  suddenly  that  he  stands  on  one  foot). 
I  haven't  the  least  idea. 

NELL  H.  Well  !  You  have  so  far  succeeded  in  mixing 
things  up  hi  a  most  delightful  tangle.  I  sincerely  hope  you 
will  be  able  to  find  your  way  out  again. 

GEO.     (Testily).     Now,  my  dear  Miss  - 

NELL  H.    Hush  !    You  forget  !    Mrs.  ! 


GEO.     (Affably).     Your  most  obedient- 


NELL  H.  Now,  don't  waste  valuable  time  over  trifles. 
Tell  me — Richard 

GEO.    Is  waiting  in  the  conservatory. 

NELL  H.    What  does  he  think? 

GEO.  That  this  is  an  admirably  conducted  Lunatic  Asy 
lum. 

NELLH.    And  I? 

GEO.    One  of  the  unfortunate  inmates. 

NELL  H.    (Startled).     He  has  not  recognized  me? 

GEO.     Probably. 

NELL  H.     Heavens !    What  shall  I  do  ? 

GEO.  I  was  just  looking  for  you  to  propose  that  you 
meet  him. 

NELL  H.    Impossible ! 

GEO.     Not  with  the  consent  of  both  parties. 

NELL  H.  But  the  parts  we  are  playing — our  secret !  He 
would  hardly  believe  the  truth,  even  if  you  dared  to  offer  an 
explanation. 

GEO.     Not  in  the  least  necessary. 

NELL  H.  How  abrupt  you  are !  Even  a  casual  observer 
would  have  no  cause  to  doubt  that  we  were  really  man  and 
wife !  But  pray  explain  your  plan  of  action. 

GEO.  He  thinks  that  I  am  the  superintendent  of  the  asy 
lum,  and  if  he  has  recognized  you  he  must,  of  course,  be 
lieve  that  you  are  violently  insane. 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  29 

NELL  H.    That's  pleasant  ! 

GEO.    It  may  help  to  reunite  you. 

NELL  H.    Never. 

GEO.  Why  not?  You  love  him  —  you  have  quarreled  — 
his  fault,  no  doubt.  I'll  lead  him  to  believe  that  your  sup 
posed  misfortune  has  been  occasioned  by  his  misconduct, 
and  then  not  only  excite  his  pity  but  so  alarm  him  as  to 
make  him  an  humble  supplicant  for  reinstatement  in  your 
affections  - 

NELL  H.    (Eagerly).     Yes  —  yes  - 

GEO.  And  then  —  well,  as  Laura  Jean  Libbey  would  say, 
"You'll  be  happy  forever  after." 

NELL  H.    Enough  !    I'll  consent. 

GEO.  Very  well,  then.  Tie  an  apron  around  your  neck  — 
carry  a  broom  or  a  dustpan  in  your  hand  —  mutter  to  yourself 
—  sing  snatches  of  pitiful  ballads,  and  we  will  soon  show  the 
repentent  Richard  what  a  witless,  despairing  creature  you 
have  become. 

NELL  H.     I'll  be  ready  in  five  minutes.     (Exit  door  L. 

GEO.  It's  the  "irony  of  fate"  that  I,  so  completely  disap 
pointed  in  my  own  love  affairs,  should  now  develop  into  a 
simmering  matchmaker.  Well,  now  I've  put  my  foot  in  it 
for  fair!  The  next  thing  I  know  I'll  be  running  a  full- 
fledged  matrimonial  bureau.  (Exit  door  C.  to 


Enter  NELL  R.,  door  L.,  still  loaded  doivn  with  the  traveling 

bags,  etc. 

NELL  R.  I  declare!  I  am  completely  exhausted  from 
carrying  these  things  around. 

Enter  COR.  door  C. 

NELL  R.    (To  COR.).     Have  you  seen  George? 

COR.     I  think  he  is  in  the  library  with  his  wife. 

NELL  R.  (Forgetting}.  His  wife?  (Recovering.}  Oh, 
yes  ;  thank  you.  I'll  look  for  him  there.  (Business  of  sob 
bing,  dropping  bundles,  picking  them  up,  etc.,  and  exit 
door  L.} 

COR.  (To  NELL  R.).  You'd  better  take  my  advice  and 
stop  chasing  after  George  now  that  he  is  married.  (Solus.'} 
Why,  the  impudent  hussy  !  She's  every  bit  aS  bad  as  George 


30  ALL    A    MISTAKE. 

is.  I  shall  have  to  tell  his  wife  the  kind  of  a  friend  she  has ! 
(Sighs.)  Oh  dear,  I  wonder  why  Romeo  doesn't  come? 
If  he  only  knew  how  I  yearn  for  his  manly  presence;  how  I 
long  to  be  embraced  and  cuddled  in  his  loving  arms,  and 
have  him  call  me  his  "own  little  Nellie."  Oh  clear,  it  seems 
as  if  I  were  nearing  the  entrance  of  an  earthly  paradise, 
where  there  will  be  but  "two  souls  with  but  a  single  thought, 
two  hearts  that  beat  as  one" — Romeo  and  I !  (Sits  on 
sofa  R.)  I  have  tried  to  comfort  myself  with  his  letters. 
(Takes  letters  from  bag.)  Forty-six  of  them — just  my 
age — a  tender  missive  for  each  year  of  my  life.  I  know 
them  all  by  heart — such  poetical  sentiment — such  divine 
comparisons.  Oh,  Romeo!  Romeo!  Where  art  thou? 

Enter  NELL,  door  C.  from  L.,  singing  the  chorus  of  some 
popular  comic  song,  and  carrying  a  letter. 

COR.  I  mustn't  let  that  servant  see  these  letters.  I'll 
take  them  to  my  room.  Oh,  Romeo,  where  art  thou? 
(Exit  door  R.,  carrying  the  letters,  but  tearing  the  workbag 
on  the  sofa.) 

NF.I.T..  The  postman  just  left  this  letter.  It  says  on  the 
outside  that  it  is  for  "Miss  Nellie."  Now,  who  am  I  goin' 
ter  give  it  to?  That's  the  question.  Sure  there's  Miss 
Nellie  Blanchard,  the  gal  the  young  masther  is  so  stuck  on, 
an'  Masther  George's  wife,  what  was  Miss  Nellie  Hunting- 
ton,  and  the  Captain's  old  maid  sister,  Cornelia ;  sure  I've 
heard  him  call  her  "Nellie,"  and  then  there's  me — plain 
"Nell" — (reflects) — why  not?  Sure  "Nell"  sthands  fer 
"Nellie,"  and  phy  shouldn't  I  git  a  letter?  Faith  it  wouldn't 
be  the  first  one  I  got !  Anyhow,  if  I  give  it  to  any  of  thim 
other  "Nellies,"  sure  wouldn't  I  be  takin'  chances  on  thim 
a  readin'  my  letters?  Well,  I  guess  not!  "Possession  is 
nine  p'ints  of  the  law,"  an'  I'll  take  ice-cream  soda  fer  the 
other  p'int,  an'  that's  law  fer  yez?  (Opens  letter  and  reads.) 
"My  darling  Nellie."  (Spoken.)  That's  me,  sure! 
(Reads.) 

"I  hasten  to  thy  side, 

I'll  soon  make  thee  my  bride ! 
-  Then  o'er  the  ocean  wide 
Together  we  will  ride!" 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  31 

(Spoken.)  Oh-hoho!  Look  at  that,  now!  (Reads.) 
"Soon  after  you  receive  this  note  I  shall  come  to  claim  you 
as  my  bride.  Ten  thousand  fond  kisses.  Ever  your 
Romeo!"  (Spoken.)  Ten  thousand  fond  kisses/  Oh, 
Romeo,  Romeo,  where  art  thou?  (Imitates  tragedy  busi 
ness.)  An'  that  reminds  me  that  me — me  other  fellow, 
Patsy  Donoghue — he's  me  steady — well,  Patsy  is  goin'  to 
perform  at  a  minstrel  entertainment,  an'  axed  me  to  make 
him  some  burnt  cork  to  black  up  his  face  wid.  I  burned  the 
cork  all  right,  but  sure  I  has  nothin'  to  put  it  in.  (Sees 
CORNELIA'S  workbag.)  There's  an  old  workbag.  I  don't 
know  whose  it  is,  but  sure  it  won't  be  wrong  fer  me  to  bor 
row  it  fer  a  charitable  entertainment.  It'll  be  just  the  thing 
fer  poor  Patsy  to  keep  his  burnt  cork  in.  (Looks  in  bag.) 
An'  faith  there's  a  powder  rag  all  ready  fer  him  to  use. 

Enter  FERDY,  door  C.  from  L. 

FERDY.  (As  if  laughing  at  something  outside).  Awa — 
deuced  clevah,  by  jove! 

NELL.  Sure,  it's  the  fellow  what  dumped  the  Captain 
into  the  wheelbarrow.  I  wonder  what  he's  doin'  all  dressed 
up?  (To  FERDY.)  Who  are  yez  afther  lookin'  fer? 

FERDY.    Awa — I  want  Miss  Nellie,  doncherknow. 

j^fTJ—  (Aside).  Holy  Moses!  It's  Romeo!  (To  FERDY.) 
Sure,  sir,  I  am  "Miss  Nellie."  (Goes  up  to  him  as  if  ex 
pecting  to  be  hugged.} 

FERDY.  (Edging  azv ay).  You?  (Disgusted.)  Awa,  by 
jove,  you're  not  the  one !  Doncherknow,  you're  not  a 
miss  at  all. 

J^prj-  (Aside).  I  wonder  if  he  takes  me  fer  a  man  in  dis 
guise?  (To  FERDY.)  Well,  what  are  ye  sthandin'  there 
fer?  Why  don't  yez  put  yer  arms  around  me  an'  smother 
me  wid  tin  thousan'  fond  kisses,  an'  ride  across  the  ocean 
wid  me,  an' 

FERDY  (Aside).  Nellie  must  have  shown  her  my  note, 
and  now  she's  getting  familiar  with  me — beastly  habit — 
this  familiarity — you  know,  you  know — doncherknow.  I 
must  be  weal  severe  with  her.  (To  NELL.)  Awa,  you 
know,  doncherknow,  lead  me  to  Miss  Blanchard,  you  know, 
doncherknow. 


32  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

NELL  (Aside).  Listen  to  the  loikes  av  that,  now.  (7wt- 
tates  FERDY.)  "Lead  me  to  Miss  Blanchard,  you  know, 
doncherknow."  What  a  pity  I  has  no  halter. 

FERDY  (Staring  at  her).  Deuced  stwange,  doncher 
know 

NELL  (Aside).  One  slap  on  the  wrist  an'  he'd  drop  to 
piece? 

Enter  NELL  R.,  door  L. 

to  NELL  R.)     Awa,  my  deah  Miss  Nellie! 

NELL  R.    (Annoyed,  aside).     He  here  again? 

NELL.  (Aside).  So  that's  the  way  the  wind  blows!  Well, 
I  wishes  thim  luck,  I'm  sure.  (Imitating  FERDY.)  But  I. 
must  go  an'  put  the  burnt  cork  in  the  bag  for  Patsy  dear. 
(Exit  door  R.,  carrying  COR/S  workbag  and  imitating 
FERDY'S  walk.) 

FERDY    (To  NELL  R.,  aivkwardly) .     Awa 

NELL  R.   (Absently).     I  was  looking  for 

FERDY.     Were  you,  weally?     Let  me  help  you  find  it. 

NELL  R.    Find  what  ? 

FERDY.  Awa,  I  don't  know,  doncherknow — whatevah 
you  are  looking  for,  of  course. 

NELL  R.  (Aside).     Gracious !  What  a  perfect  idiot  he  is ! 

FERDY  (Sits  on  sofa,  jumps  up  and  bows,  etc.).  Awa, 
aftah  you,  you  know,  doncherknow.  Lovely  day,  isn't  it? 

NELL  R.    (Reluctantly  sits  on  sofa).     Yes. 

FERDY  (Sitting  on  so'fa  beside  her).  Looks  like  wain,  you 
know,  doncherknow,  doesn't  it?  (Nen'ous  business  of 
crossing  legs,  etc.) 

NELL  R.  I — I  guess  so.  (Aside.)  I'd  order  him  out  if 
I  wasn't  afraid  of  offending  the  Captain. 

FERDY.  Awa,  doncherknow,  I  was  awfully  pleased  with 
your  note. 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  He  must  have  heard  me  singing  and 
noticed  my  "high  C."  (To  FERDY.)  I'm  afraid  you  flat 
ter  me,  but  you  know  I  was  always  fond  of  singing. 

FERDY.  Can  you  sing?  Weally,  what  a  chawming  per 
son  you  are ! 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  He  evidently  did  not  hear  me  sing. 
What  can  he  mean? 

FERDY    ( Tim  idly ) .     Awa 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  33 

Enter  CAPT.,  door  C.  from  L. 

CAPT.  (Standing  in  the  door,  aside).  Well,  shiver  my 
timbers  if  they  ain't  making  love ! 

FERDY  (Aside).  I  wish  she'd  say  something  about  our 
correspondence.  It's  deuced  awkward,  doncherknow  !  (Em 
barrassed.) 

NELL  R.    (Shifts  about  uneasily.) 

CAPT.  (Aside).  It  makes  me  laugh  the  way  these  modern 
lovers  beat  about  the  bush.  Now,  when  I  was  a  .boy,  people 
spoke  right  out,  and  it  was  all  over  in  a  minute. 

FERDY  (To  NELL  R.).  Awa,  do  you  know  what  I  called 
for? 

NELL  R.  No,  I  haven't  the  least  idea.  (Aside.)  Gra 
cious  !  Here  I  must  sit  and  try  to  be  civil  to  this  blockhead, 
and  there's  no  telling  what  may  have  happened  to  George 
by  this  time. 

FERDY    (Noticing  CAPTV  is  more  embarrassed). 

CAPT.  (Motions  to  FERDY  not  to  reveal  his  presence; 
then  encourages  hint-  to  make  lore  to  NELL  R.), 

FERDY  (To  NELL  R.).  Awa,  can't  you  guess  why  I'm 
here  ?  I've  known  you  an  awfully  long  time,  doncherknow. 
Friends  of  childhood — little  boys  together — no,  no — little 
girls  together — no,  no — no,  no — I  mean  little  boys  and  little 
girls  together,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  you  know,  you 
know,  doncherknow!  (Giggling.)  Te-he,  te-he,  te-he! 

CAPT.  (Aside).  He  evidently  believes  in  making  love  on 
the  installment  plan. 

NELL  R.  (Uneasily).  Yes,  we  have  been  acquainted  for 
some  time,  Mr.  Lighthead. 

FERDY.     Ah,  no ;  call  me  Ferdy,  doncherknow  ! 

NELL  R.  (Aside).   Call  him  Ferdy?  What  does  he  mean? 

CAPT.  (Motions  FERDY  to  continue.  Aside).  Go  it — 
go  it,  young  fellow.  You'll  get  there. 

FERDY  (To  NELL  R.).  Awa,  what  do  people  general!) 
do  after  they've  known  each  other  a  long  time  ? 

NELL  R.  I  am  sure  I  don't  know.  (Aside.)  I  really 
believe  he's  trying  to  make  love  to  me.  I  must  get  away 
somehow.  (Rises.) 

FERDY    (Aside).     Now  is  my  chance.    I've  got  her  up  to 


34  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

the  point,  you  know.  (Slips  off  the  sofa  and  kneels  at  her 
feet.)  Awa,  Miss  Nellie,  I — I 

CAPT.  (Aside).  This  is  getting  too  hot  for  me;  I'll  get 
out.  £EjdL-C^toJt.) 

FERDY.    I — I — I've  lost  my  appetite,  doncherknow ! 

NELL  R.  Goodness !  You  must  be  hungry.  I'll  go  and 
tell  the  cook. 

FERDY.     No,  no.     I  want  to  tell*  you 

NELL  R.  ( GoingL^f> But  it'll  never  do  for  you  to  talk- 
so  much  on  ail  eiiTply  stomach !  I'll  get  you  something  at 
once,  if  it's  only  a  sandwich.  {Exit  door  L.) 

FERDY.  But  Miss  Nellie,  I  don't  want  a  sandwich.  I — 
I — By  jove,  I've  made  a  wegulah  ass  of  myself.  (Rising  ana 
going  L.)  Miss  Nellie!  Miss  Nellie!  (Exit  door  L.) 

Enter  GEO.  and  RICH.,  door  C.  from  L. 

GEO.  Yes,  music  is  a  great  thing.  Now,  when  I  feel 
tired  and  worried  from  the  arduous  duties  of  the  asylum 
here  I  just  hike  to  the  nearest  music  hall  or  faome  burlesque 
show  and 

RICH.  (Surprised).  I  trust  that  you  do  not  approve  of 
that  class  of  entertainment. 

GEO.  Oh,  no;  I  only  go  to  be  soothed.  (Aside.)  Now, 
I'll  give  it  to  him  straight  from  the  shoulder.  (To  RICH.) 
Did  you  ever  hear  a  lunatic  sing? 

RICH.     No,  I  cannot  say  that  I  ever  have. 

GEO.  (Aside).  If  Miss  Huntington  would  only  sing, 
now,  it  would  settle  the  whole  business ! 

NELL  H.  (Outside  L.,  sings  the  chorus  of  some  popular 
ballad.) 

GEO.  (Delighted,  aside).  Ah!  (To  RICH.)  There  is 
one  now. 

RICH.  {Aside).  That  voice!  Fd  know  it  anywhere!  And 
yet  it  must  be  impossible !  It  could  not  be  Nellie ! 

GEO.  (Aside).  She's  working  her  end  of  the  business  all 
right.  That  voice  would  soften  the  heart  of  a  rent  collector. 

RICH.    (Aside).     Heavens!    If  it  should  be  true! 

GEO.    (Aside).    I  begin  to  feel  a  little  woozy  myself. 

NELL  H.     (Stops  singing.) 

RICH.     Who  was  that  singing? 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  35 

GEO.     Oh,  only  one  of  the  patients. 

RICH.     Yes,  I  know — but  her  name? 

GEO.     Nellie  Huntington. 

RICH.     (Excitedly).     What? 

GEO.  I  said  Nellie  Huntington.  What  is  the  matter, 
are  you  acquainted  with  her? 

RICH.  Urn — ah — I — ah —  (Aside.)  No,  I  cannot  tell 
him  that  I  am  the  cause  of  her  affliction.  I  must  use  other 
means  to  see  her.  (To  GEO.)  The  desolation  of  these 
poor  mortals  affects  me  strangely.  Pray,  let  us  pass  on. 
(Aside.)  Heavens!  If  I  had  only  known! 

CAPT.     (Outside  C.,  calls).     George! 

GEO.     (Aside).  TEat's  Uncle  Obadiah  ! 

CAPT.     (Outside  C.,  calls').     George! 

GEO.     (Aside).     Now   I'm  in  a  pretty  mess! 

RICH.     For  whom  is  he  calling? 

GEO.  Oh,  no  one.  He  went  crazy  trying  to  ascertain 
whether  King  George  IV.  was  assassinated  or  merely  drank 
himself  to  death,  and  now,  after  long  years  of  incarceration, 
he  still  has  "George"  on  the  brain, 

RICH.  Oh,  I  perceive.  (Aside.)  Oh,  my  poor  Nellie, 
amid  such  surroundings ! 

Enter  NELL  R.,  door  L. 
'\>     'V.K 

NELL  R.     (To  GEO.).     Oh,  George! 

RICH.     (Aside  to  GEO.).     Why,  who  is  that? 

GEO.  (Aside  to  RICH.).  Oh,  that's  another  one  of  the 
lunatics.  She  fancies  that  I  am  her  long-lost  brother.  She 
always  calls  me  "George." 

RICH.  (Aside  to  GEO.).  You  must  have  an  exceed 
ingly  good  disposition  to  so  patiently  cater  to  the  delusions 
of  these  poor  unfortunates. 

GEO.  (Aside  to  RICH.).  Oh,  it's  a  part  of  the  business. 
(Aside.)  That  wife  of  mine  has  probably  repented,  but  I 
won't  forgive  her ! 

CAPT.     (Outside  C.,  calls).     George! 

RICH.  (Aside  to  GEO.).  He  calls  again.  Whom  does 
he  desire? 

GEO.     Oh,  no  one.     A  mere  hallucination,  I  assure  you,, 

RICH.     Oh.     (Business  of  looking  off    C.} 


36  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

NELL  R.     (Motions  to  GEO.  to  cross  to  her.) 
GEO.     (Aside).     Confound   it!     My  uncle  coming  —  my 
wife  waiting  —  I'm  between  two  fires  !     If  I  go  to  her,  he'll 
meet  uncle,  and  if  I  don't,  she's  liable  to  run  away  with  that: 
pie-  faced  dude!     (Motions  NELL  R.  to  exit.} 

NELL  R.     (Aside).     I  wonder  what  is  the  matter  with 
George? 


GEO.  (Aside).  I  must  see  my  wife,  and  tell  her  that 
this  fellow  Hamilton  is  a  lunatic.  Then  she'll  be  sure  not 
to  speak  to  him.  Then  if  I  can  intercept  uncle,  I  may  be 
able  to  keep  him  out  of  the  way  until  Miss  Huntington 
meets  her  Richard!  (To  RICH.)  I  shall  have  to  ask  you 
to  excuse  me  for  a  few  moments.  One  of  the  patients  fell 
down  the  elevator  shaft  —  cut  in  two  —  cut  in  three  —  cut  in 
four  — 

RICH.  I  beg  of  you  not  to  let  me  detain  you  from  any 
duty. 

GEO.  I  shall  return  as  soon  as  I  have  pacified  the  luna 
tics.  (Exit  hastily,  door  .L.) 

RICH.  It  might  be  a  good  idea  for  him  to  pacify  him 
self.  Ah,  my  poor,  darling  Nellie  !  If  I  could  but  see  her  ! 
(Goes  R.,  partly  opens  door  R.,  and  looks  out.) 

Enter  CAPT.,  door  C  from  R. 

CAPT.  (Carrying  a  shotgun,  which  he  examines).  At 
last  I've  got  this  gun  properly  repaired.  The  next  time  I 
go  hunting,  it'll  shoot  to  kill  ! 

RICH.  (Aside).  Strange  delusion.  He  seems  to  have  a 
desire  for  gore  ! 

CAPT.  (Perceiving  RICH.).  Look  here!  What  do  you 
mean  by  sneaking  into  my  house  and  peeking  through  the 
door  cracks  ? 

RICH.  (Taken  unawares).  I  —  I  —  I  was  looking  for 
someone. 

CAPT.  Oh,  come  now,  that's  too  thin.  You  get  right  out 
of  here  in  a  hurry  !  Quick,  now  !  Or  I'll  fill  you  so  full  of 
shot  that  you  won't  be  able  to  cart  yourself  away  !  (Raises 
gun  in  a  threatening  manner.) 

RICH.  (Aside).  It's  strange  they  allow  a  lunatic  to 
carry  a  gun.  Even  if  it  isn't  loaded,  he  is  liable  to  strike 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  37 

someone  over  the  head  in  a  fit  of  violence.  I  must  temporize 
with  him  and  try  to  secure  it.  (To  CAPT.)  That's  a  fine 
walking  stick  you  have  there. 

CAPT.  (Aside).  Walking  stick?  (Grins.)  Now  I  un 
derstand.  He's  escaped  from  the  Lunatic  Asylum  next 
door.  I  must  capture  him  and  take  him  back.  (To  RICH.) 
That  isn't  a  walking  stick.  It's  a  fried  egg.  One  of  the 
kind  that  sticks  pins  in  turnip  tops. 

RICH.  (Smiling  at  CAPT/S  supposed  insanity).  Yes? 
How  do  you  manage  to  work  it? 

CAPT.  Oh,  you  don't  work  it.  All  you  do  is  to  squeeze 
it,  and  it  works  itself.  See?  (Goes  through  the  motions  of 
aiming  and  firing  gun.)  Do  you  want  to  try  it?  (Hands 
gun  to  RICH.) 

RICH.  (Taking  the  gun.  Aside).  I'll  aim  at  one  of 
the  dogs  I  saw  outside.  He'll  think  we're  fighting  a  naval 
battle.  (Goes  to  window,  points  gun  and  shoots.  Glass 
crash  heard,  as  if  breaking  window.  Noise  of  dog  yelping 
outside.  Coming  doivn  R.)  Now,  what  have  I  done? 

CAPT.  {Running  to  windoiv  and  looking  out}.  Well, 
hang  me,  if  he  hasn't  shot  my  favorite  hound!  (Runs  at 
RICH,  furiously.)  Here!  Gimme  that  gun! 

RICH.  (Aside).  I  wish  the  Superintendent  would  re 
turn.  I  must  keep  this  gun  from  this  lunatic,  or  somebody 
is  liable  to  be  shot. 

CAPT.     Gimme  that  gun,  I  say. 

RICH.     Keep  away !     I  will  not  give  it  to  you ! 

Hurry  music. 

CAPT.  (Rushes  at  RICH.  Comedy  struggle  for  gun,  ad. 
lib.  Finally  RICH,  throws  CAPT.  on  his  back,  and  stands 
over  him,  gun  in  hand.) 

RICH.  (Dramatically).  Hush!  Be  quiet!  I'll  call  the 
keeper!  (Exit,  door  C.  to  L.,  zvith  gun.) 

CAPT.  (Still  down).  Call  the  keeper?  I  wonder  what 
he  means?  (Arising.)  Here!  You!  Never  mind  about 
the  keeper!  Gimme  my  gun!  (Exit,  hastily,  door  C.  to  L.) 

Stop  music. 


38  ALL    A    MISTAKE. 

Enter  NELL,  door  R. 

NELL^_  (Carrying  ivorkbag,  her  hands  black}.  We!:, 
that  \vas  a  job  I  don't  want  again  in  a  hurry.  Sure,  I  got 
me  hands  all  black  from  the  nasty  stuff.  (Throws  workbag 
on  table.)  But  there's  one  thing  certain — that  bag  of  burnt 
cork  will  cost  Mr.  Patsy  Donoghue  many  a  glass  of  ice 
cream  sotzy-wather ! 

Enter  GEO.,  door   L. 

£^f 

GEO.  (Aside).  My  wife  is  in  the  garden  with  that  ever- 
present  dude,  and  of  course  I  can't  get  a  chance  to  speak 
to  her,  or  I'll  again  be  called  down  for  "carrying  on  a  flirta 
tion"  with  my  own  wife.  Oh,  what  a  pleasure  it  would  be 
to  punch  that  dude's  head !  (Sits  in  chair  over  radiator. ) 

NELL.  (Aside).  He  don't  seem  to  be  happy  at  the  idea 
of  bringing  home  a  bride. 

GEO.  (Strikes  his  foot  against  the  radiator  and  jumps 
up).  Jerusalem  crickets!  A  great  idea!  The  radiator! 
Now,  if  I  could  only  have  a  roaring  hot  fire  built  in  the 
furnace  and  hold  that  measly  cuss  over  that  radiator  and 
roast  him.  By  gracious,  I'll  try  it!  (Sees  NELL.)  Nell. 
will  you  do  me  a  favor  ? 

NELL.     Why,  to  be  course  I  will. 

GEO  I  want  you  to  go  down  cellar,  without  letting  any 
body  see  you,  and  start  a  roaring  hot  fire  in  the  furnace ! 

JsfELL.  Start  a  fire  in  the  furnace  ?  (Aside. )  He's  gone 
clean  crazy !  ( To  GEO.  )  Sure,  it's  a  hot  enough  day  al 
ready,  sir. 

GEO.     Will  you  do  it,  or  shall  I  go  myself  ? 

NELL.     Sure,  sir,  it  wouldn't  be  right. 

GEO.  (Handing  her  coin).  Here's  a  dollar  that  says  it 
is  right. 

NELL.  (Taking  money}.  Of  course,  if  you  says  it's 
righ"!7""it  must  be  so.  I'll  start  the  fire  at  once,  sir. 
(Going  C.) 

GEO.  Yes,  and  be  sure  you  make  it  a  mighty  hot  one ! 
Hold  on !  Is  there  any  pitch  tar  on  the  premises  ? 

NJILI..  There's  some  in  the  stable.  Sure,  the  masther 
used  it  to  "cork"  his  boat. 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  39 

GEO.  All  right.  I'll  find  it.  Now  hurry  up  that  fire! 
Use  all  the  pine  knots  you  can  find,  and  mind  you  make  it 
hot — make  it  as  hot  as — well,  you  know.  (Points  down 
ward.  ) 

NELL.     Sure,  sir,  I  know.       (Exit   C.  to  R.) 

GEO.     And  now  for  the  pitch  tar!     (Exit,  door  C.  to  L.) 

Enter  COR.,  door   R. 

COR.  I  just  saw  a  strange  man  in  the  garden.  It  must 
be  Romeo !  Oh,  dear !  Oh,  dear !  My  poor  little  heart  is 
in  such  a  flutter!  I'm  sure  my  cheeks  must  be  as  pale  as 
death.  I'll  have  to  put  on  a  little  more  of  the  "French 
rougey."  Where  did  I  leave  my  powder  rag?  (Finds 
workbag  on  table.}  Oh,  here  it  is.  (Opens  the  bag.) 
Why,  my  mirror  is  gone.  Well,  I'll  have  to  do  the  best 
I  can  without  it.  I  wouldn't  have  Romeo  catch  me  using 
powder — not  for  the  world!  (Takes  powder  rag  and  blacks 
her  right  cheek.)  I  do  hope  I'll  get  it  on  even.  (Blacks  her 
left  cheek.)  Mercy,  how  nervous  I  am.  (Touches  up  her 
eyebroivs,  nose,  etc.  Replaces  rag  in  bag.)  There,  now, 
I'll  just  step  out  on  the  veranda  and  let  Romeo  see  how 
anxiously  I  await  him.  (Exit,  door  R.) 

Enter  GEO.,  door   C.  fromt  L^ 

GEO.  (Carrying  tar-bucket,  goes  L.  and  opens  the  ra 
diator  draft).  She's  built  the  fire  all  right,  and  a  good  hot 
one  it  is.  I'll  just  cover  the  seat  of  this  chair  with  tar,  so 
that  when  he  sits  down,  he'll  stick  fast.  (Business  of  apply 
ing  tar  to  seat  of  the  chair.)  Now  I'll  find  that  pie-faced 
dude,  and  fill  him  full  of  "war  talk" — get  him  interested — 
sit  him  down  in  that  chair,  and  roast  him  until  he  promises 
never  to  speak  to  my  wife  again.  (Finishes  applying  the 
tar,  and  places  the  chair  over  the  radiator.)  There,  now, 
we're  all  ready  for  business.  Whole  calves  roasted  on  short 
notice.  (Exit,  door  L.,  carrying  tar-bucket.) 

Enter  RICH.,  door  C.  from  L. 

RICH.  At  last,  I  am  here  alone !  I  must  contrive  to  see 
Nellie.  Perhaps  a  reconciliation  between  us  might  result 
in  the  reinstatement  of  her  mental  faculties.  From  the 


40  ALL  A   MISTAKE. 

sound  of  her  voice,  while  singing,  I  should  imagine  she 
occupies  a  room  in  this  direction.     (Goes  to  door,  L.) 

.  Enter  NELL  R.,  door    L. 

RICH.  (Nearly  running  into  NELL  R.  Aside).  The 
other  lunatic ! 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  The  crazy  man!  (To  RICH.)  Foi 
whom  are  you  looking,  sir? 

RICH.     For  Miss  Nellie. 

NELL  R.     I  am  Miss  Nellie. 

RICH.  You?  (Aside.)  There  must  be  some  mistake. 
(To  NELL  R.)  Were  you  singing  some  fifteen  minutes 
since  ? 

NELL  R.     I  was. 

RICH.  Well,  then,  as  I  have  evidently  mistaken  you  for 
someone  else,  I  will  ask  your  pardon  and  retire. 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  I  must  detain  him  until  the  guards 
arrive.  (To  RICH.)  Sir,  I  trust  that  you  will  consider 
yourself  quite  at  home.  Stay  and  converse  with  me.  You 
know  an  exchange  of  ideas  is  ofttimes  a  rest  to  the  soul. 

RICH.  (Aside).  Well  spoken  for  an  insane  person,  and 
since  my  fears  are  appeased  concerning  Nellie,  I  consider 
it  my  duty  to  at  least  afford  this  poor  unfortunate  the  small 
pleasure  she  asks  of  a  tete-a-tete.  (To  NELL  R.)  I  shall 
be  much  pleased — 

NELL  R.  (Pointing  to  chair  over  radiator).  Pray  be 
seated. 

RICH.  (Sitting  in  the  chair  which  GEO.  has  tarred  for 
FERDY).  Thank  you. 

NELL  R.  Will  you  pardon  me  if  I  ask  your  vocation  in 
life? 

RICH.  I  am  what  is  known  as  a  gentleman  farmer. 
(Aside.)  It's  a  strange  fact  that  although  a  woman  may 
become  insane  and  lose  her  senses,  yet  she  never  loses  her 
curiosity. 

NELL  R.  (Smiling  incredulously).  Is  your  place  in  this 
vicinity  ? 

RICH.  About  five  miles  distant.  (Commences  to  feel  the 
heat  from  the  radiator,  fans  himself  ui'th  his  hat,  sputters, 
mops  his  brow  with  his  handkerchief,  etc.) 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  41 

NELL  R.  You  seem  overheated.  I  shall  request  the 
servant  to  bring  you  a  glass  of  water.  (Aside.)  I  can 
send  for  the  Captain  at  the  same  time. 

RICH.  No,  no,  I  beg  of  you.  (Aside.)  These  lunatics 
are  tricky.  She  might  poison  the  water,  under  the  impres 
sion  that  she  was  ridding  the  earth  of  some  noted  tyrant. 
(Feels  the  heat.)  Gracious!  This  is  getting  unbearable. 
(Wrings  out  handkerchief.  It  exudes  a  stream  of  water. 
Mops  his  head,  etc.)  I'll  move  nearer  the  door  and  get  in 
the  draft.  (Attempts  to  rise.)  Heavens!  I'm  stuck!  (At 
tempts  to  pull  himself  loose  from  the  chair.) 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  He  looks  as  if  he  was  going  to  have 
a  fit. 

RICH.  (Aside).  Now  I'm  in  for  it!  Roasting  alive 
in  this  overheated  room,  and  stuck  fast  to  this  chair !  (Mops 
his  brow,  wrings  out  handkerchief,  fans  himself,  attempts 
to  get  loose,  etc.) 

NELL  R.     Would  you  prefer  to  go  to  the  front  veranda? 

RICH.  No,  thank  you.  To  tell  you  the  truth,  I  am  rather 
"stuck"  on  this  place. 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  The  first  slang  I've  heard  him  use. 
I  suppose  he's  liable  to  swear  a  string  of  oaths  in  a  minute. 

RICH.  (Aside).  I'd  like  to  be  where  I  could  give  full 
vent  to  my  feelings.  I'd  swear  until  the  blue  smoke  would 
ascend  in  clouds.  (Same  business.) 

NELL  R.     (Excitedly).     Oh,  please,  sir! 

RICH.  (Twisting  about.  Aside).  Oh,  why  was  I  ever 
fool  enough  to  think  of  visiting  a  Lunatic  Asylum?  If  this 
keeps  up,  I'll  soon  be  just  as  crazy  as  any  of  them!  (hi 
trying  to  rise,  he  waves  his  arms,  etc.) 

NELL  R.     (Frightened,  draivs  away  cautiously.) 

RICH.  (Aside).  She's  preparing  to  have  a  fit.  I  sup 
pose  any  minute  she's  liable  to  jump  at  me  and  tear  my 
eyes  out ! 

NELL  R.  Oh,  sir,  I  must  get  you  some  water !  I  must ! 
I  must ! 

RICH.  Yes !  Yes  !  Get  it  quick !  Get  a  barrelful !  Call 
out  the  fire  department !  Turn  the  hose  on  me !  Anything ! 
Everything !  Before  I  burn  up  alive ! 

NELL  R.     I  will  do  as  you    say,  sir.     (Carefully    backs 


42  ALL   A    MISTAKE.  / 

up  stage,  as  if  afraid  to  turn  her  back  to  him,  and  finally 
turns  quickly  and  runs  off  door  C.  to  L.) 

RICH.  Thank  heaven,  she's  gone !  Now,  I'll  try  to  reach 
the  door  and  make  a  break  for  it !  (Rises,  and  walks  up  L., 
carrying  chair,  as  if  the  seat  of  his  trousers  was  still  stuck 
to  it.) 

Hurry  music,  P.,  till  curtain  doum. 

Enter  COR.,  door   R. 

COR.  Oh,  Romeo,  where  art  thou?  (Sees  RICH.)  Oh, 
the  crazy  man  !  He's  armed  himself  with  a  chair ! 

RICH.  (Sees  COR.).  Another  lunatic!  (He  edges  up 
stage,  L.,  carrying  chair.  COR.  edges  doum  R.  Then  re 
verse,  ad.  lib.,  keeping  the  table  between  them,  as  if  afraid 
of  each  other.) 

Enter  FERDY,   C.  from  L. 

COR.     (Screams).     Oh,  save  me,  Romeo! 

FERDY.  The  lunatics !  (Dashes  under  the  table,  ivith  his 
head  out  front.) 

RICH.  (Aside).  There'll  be  lunatics  dropping  from  the 
ceiling  next ! 

Enter  NELL  H.,  door   L. 

NELL  H.  (Points  her  hand  at  COR.,  and  laughs  at  her 
black  face.} 

RICH.  (Perceiving  NELL  H.).  Heavens!  It's  Nellie, 
and  she  is  insane ! 

NELL  H.     (Sees  RICH.  Screams).  Oh!  (Exit,  door  L.) 

Enter  CAPT.  and  NELL  R.,  door  C.  from  L. 

RICH.  (Pushes  NELL  R.  aside,  tips  over  the  CAPT.,  and 
rushes  out,  door  C.  to  L.  A  puff  of  smoke  comes  up 
through  radiator.} 

Enter  NELL,  door  R. 

NELL.     Run  for  your  lives !    The  house  is  on  fire ! 
OnT.     (Jumping  up).     Here!     You!     Gimme  my  gun! 
(Exit  after  RICH.,  door  C.  to  L.,  followed  by  NELL  R.) 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  43 

Enter  GEO.,  door   L. 

GEO.  (Sees  FERDY).  Here!  I  want  to  see  you!  (Grabs 
FERDY  by  the  ear  and  exit,  door  L.  Quick  action,  general 
confusion. ) 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


ACT  III. 

SCENE. — The  same  as  Act  II. 

Lively  music  till  curtain  up. 
Enter  CAPT.,  door    C.  from  L. 

CAPT.  (Head  tied  in  a  '4tfzvel,  limping  as  if  generally- 
broken  up,  carrying  a  long  butcher  knife).  I  tried  to  cap 
ture  that  lunatic,  and  this  is  the  result!  And,  worse  yet, 
he  has  not  yet  been  secured !  I  had  every  possible  avenue 
of  escape  carefully  guarded,  but  somehow  he  managed  to 
elude  us  all,  and  I  suppose  he's  concealed. somewhere  in  the 
grounds,  waiting  his  chance  to  break  forth  and  massacre 
us  all!  (Stabs  at  an  imaginary  foe.)  Merciful  heaven! 
When  I  realize  his  desperate  nature,  and  the  fact  that  he  still 
has  my  gun,  it  sends  cold  chills  down  my  back !  (Runs  his 
finger  along  the  edge  of  the  knife  as  if  to  test  its  sharp 
ness.)  But  I'm  prepared  for  him  this  time!  I  hate  to  do 
damage  to  a  crazy  man,  but  when  it  becomes  necessary  to 
protect  my  life  and  property,  I  feel  fully  justified  in  resort 
ing  to  violence!  (Stabs  at  an  imaginary  foe,  and  shud 
ders.)  For  some  reason  he  seems  to  have  an  especial 
grudge  against  me  and  mine !  That  is  evident  from  his 
attempt  to  burn  the  house  over  our  heads.  I  must  find 
George,  and  see  if  they've  captured  him  yet.  (Lame  busi 
ness.)  Oh,  my  leg!  Oh,  my  back!  Oh,  my  head!  (Exit, 
door  R. ) 

Enter  RICH.,  door   C.'from  L. 

RICH.  (His  clothes  torn,  hat  crushed,  zvhite  cloth  on 
seat  of  trousers  to  represent  the  seat  gone,  hair  disheveled 


44  ALL   A   MISTAKE. 

and  face  marked.  Revolver  in  hand.}  And  the  keeper  of 
the  asylum  told  me  that  old  man  was  perfectly  harmless. 
(Looks  himself  over  sorrowfully.}  I  must  manage  to  see 
Nellie  at  any  cost.  Such  scenes  of  violence  as  I  have  wit 
nessed  and  endured  (looks  himself  over)  convince  me  that 
this  is  not  a  fit  place  to  expect  her  to  recover !  In  fact,  the 
constant  intercourse  with  such  specimens  of  incurable  in 
sanity  must  of  itself  have  the  effect  of  prolonging  her  own 
misfortune ! 

NELL  H.  (Outside  L.,  sings  the  refrain  of  some  pop 
ular  song.) 

RICH.  That  voice !  What  a  thrill  it  sends  through  me ! 
I  feel  like  a  desperate  man,  capable  of  desperate  deeds ! 
(NELL  H.  sings  louder.)  She  is  coming  this  way!  How 
fortunate ! 

V'  K/  I  Pnter  NELL  Hv  door   L. 

NELL  H.  (Has  a  kitchen  apron  tied  around  her  neck, 
a  wreath  of  flowers  on  her  head,  her  hair  down  and  hang 
ing  around  her  shoulders,  and  a  dustpan  in  her  hand.  Busi 
ness  of  moaning,  waving  her  arms,  etc.,  in  imitation  of  an 
insane  person.) 

RICH.  (Aside).  Tis  she!  Can  it  be  possible  that  proud 
Nellie  Huntington  has  become  such  a  complete  mental 
wreck?  (Places  revolver  in  pocket.) 

NELL  H.  (Going  down  L.  Aside).  George  told  him 
that  I  had  gone  crazy.  Poor  fellow !  He  looks  as  if  he'd 
had  a  hard  time  of  it.  Well,  now  I'll  show  him  what  a 
woman  will  do  to  gain  the  man  she  loves.  (Pretending 
not  to  see  RICH.,  she  places  the  dustpan  on  the  stage,  down 
C.  Business  of  admiring  it,  kneeling  and  worshiping  it, 
etc.,  then  backs  up  stage,  tragically,  removes  the  wreath  of 
flowers  from  her  head,  and  places  it  on  the  dustpan.  Same 
business  of  admiring,  kneeling,  worshiping,  etc.,  then  un 
ties  the  apron  from  her  neck,  carries  it  out  at  arm's  length 
to  RICH,  and  ties  it  around  his  neck,  choking  him  as  she 
does  so.  Then  tragically  kneels,  picks  up  the  wreath,  car 
ries  it  up  and  places  it  on  RICH/S  head,  putting  his  hat  on 
her  head.  Then  same  business  with  the  dustpan,  with 
which  she  hits  him  on  the  head.  RICH,  turns  up  stage  to 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  45 

conceal  his  emotion,  showing  the  seat  of  his  trousers  gone, 
and  NELL  H.  turns  down  L.  to  conceal  her  mirth.  During 
the  above  NELL  H.  continually  moans,  sings,  etc.,  and  RICH. 
shows  his  sympathy  for  her  supposed  affliction.  She  pre 
tends  not  to  recognize  him  throughout  the  entire  scene.} 

RICH.  It  is  more  than  evident  that  I  have  been  the  cause 
of  her  misfortune!  Worthless  devil  that  I  am!  How  can 
I  ever  expect  her  to  forgive  me  ?  I  can  stand  this  suspense 
no  longer!  I  must  speak  to  her!  (Appealingly.)  Nellie! 

NELL  H.     (Tragically}.     What  noise  was  that? 

RICH.     It  is  I,  Richard ! 

NELL  H.  What  ho !  Have  the  roustabouts  not  yet  put 
the  coal  in  ? 

RICH.  Don't  you  remember  me?  Richard?  Your 
Richard  ? 

NELL  H.  I  did  know  a  "Richard" — (winks  at  audience} 
— but  that  was  long — long  ago!  Let  me  seje — he  was  the 
family  butcher ! 

RICH.  *  (Disgusted}.     Butcher? 

NELL  H.  No,  no !  He  used  to  dig  potatoes  in  my  fath 
er's  garden!  (Laughing  hysterically.}  See!  See!  (Point 
ing  to  gallery.}  He  crowned  my  head  with  a  wreath  of 
chickens'  teeth! 

RICH.     (Aside).     She  raves,  poor  darling! 

NELL  H.  (Deliriously}.  We  danced  over  the  castle! 
We  strolled  through  the  clouds !  We  floated  up  the  moun 
tain!  We  climbed  down  the  river!  See!  See!  We  are 
floating — floating  over  the  moon!  Richard  and  I!  (Works 
herself  up  into  a  frenzy,  jumps  up  on  the  sofa,  and  makes 
a  comedy-tragic  swoon,  falling  in  a  heap  on  the  sofa  and 
laughing  hysterically. ) 

RICH.  (Aside).  1  must  make  her  think  we  are  in  dan 
ger.  The  sudden  excitement  is  liable  to  restore  her!  (To 
NELL  H.)  See!  We  are  surrounded  by  enemies! 

NELL  H.  (Tragically  arising,  and  falling  into  his  arms). 
Oh!  (Shudders  and  nestles  close  to  him.) 

RICH.  (Waving  revolver).  But  see!  We  are  well 
armed ! 

NELL  H.  (Grabbing  the  dustpan).  Yes,  we  are  well 
armed!  (Waving  the  dustpan,  she  hits  him  on  the  head.) 


46  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

RICH.     (Excitedly}.     We'll  fight  our  way  out  if  neces 
sary! 

NELL  H.     Yes,  we'll  fight!     (Throws  out  arms.) 

Enter  CAPT.,  door  R. 

CAPT.     Well,  what  do  you  think  of  that?     She's  just  as 
bad  as  her  husband ! 

NELL  H.       (Screams').     Oh!     (Exit,  door  L.} 


Mysterious  music,  pissicato. 

RICH.     (Aside}.     Confound  this  unhappy  maniac! 

CAPT.  (Recognising  RICH.  Aside}.  Why,  it's  the  lu 
natic,  and  he's  got  a  revolver ! 

RICH.  (Aside}.  Now  he's  got  a  knife!  It's  strange 
they  allow  him  such  liberties ! 

CAPT.  (Running  his  finger  over  the  edge  of  the  knife. 
Aside}.  I  hate  to  do  it,  but  he  must  be  captured. 

RICH.  (Aside}.  I  regret  to  do  violence  to  an  insane  man, 
but  I  must  protect  my  life! 

CAPT.  Maybe  I  can  scare  him !  (Prepares  to  lunge  at 
RICH,  with  the  knife.  RICH,  suddenly  points  the  revolver 
at  him.  CAPT.  frightened,  turns  his  back.}  Oh,  oh!  Oh, 
oh! 

RICH.  (Aiming  revolver.  Aside}.  I  may  be  able  to  in 
timidate  him ! 

CAPT.  (Aside}.  If  I  could  only  get  one  swipe  at  him! 
(Comedy  business  of  lunging  at  each  other,  ad.  lib.  Finally 
RICH,  exit,  hastily,  door  C.  to  L..  followed  by  CAPT.  As 
CAPT.  reaches  the  door,  COR.  suddenly  enters,  C.  from  R., 
and  CAPT.  nearly  cuts  her  down  with  the  knife  as  he  passes.} 

COR.     Oh,  brother!     Do  you  mean  to  murder  me? 

CAPT.  It's  all  right!  I'm  chasing  a  regular  moonbeam, 
and  he  mustn't  escape!  (Exit  door  C.  to  L.}^^ 

Stop  music. 

COR.  (Going  down  C.}.  Chasing  a  moonbeam!  What 
can  he  mean  ?  I  do  believe  he's  gone  crazy !  Gracious  !  My 
little  heart  is  all  in  a  flutter,  and  just  as  I  was  thinking  of 
Romeo !  ^v 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  47 

Enter  FERDY,  door  Cl  from  R. 


FERDY.  (Goes  to  door  L.  and  looks  out,  then  to  door  R. 
and  looks  out,  then  looks  under  the  table,  under  the  sofa, 
behind  chairs',  etc.).  Awa,  doncherknow,  I  cawn't  seem  to 
find  Mis?  Nellie  anywhere. 

COR.  (Aside).  It's  Romeo  at  last!  (Coughs  to  attract 
his  attention.)  Ahem!  Ahem! 

FERDY.  It's  deuced  stwange,  doncherknow,  Nellie  hasn't 
called  me  Romeo,  even  once! 

COR.    (Aside).    Why  doesn't  he  look  for  me? 

FERDY.  (Aside).  Perhaps  she  doesn't  like  to  admit  that 
she  answered  a  newspaper  advertisement. 

COR.    (Aside).    He  seems  bashful. 

FERDY  (Aside).  Awa,  I'm  glad  I  advertised  for  a  wife; 
clevah  idea,  doncherknow ! 

COR.    (Coughs  to  attract  his  attention).    Ahem!    Ahem! 

FERDY.  (Aside).  Awa,  here  is  one  of  the  ladies.  Perhaps 
she  can  tell  me  where  to  find  Miss  Nellie.  (Goes  R.) 

COR.    (Aside).    He's  coming  at  last! 

FERDY.  (To  COR.)  I  say — beg  your  pardon,  doncher 
know — can  you  tell  me  where  Miss  Nellie  is? 

COR.    (Giggling).     I  am  Miss  Nellie. 

FERDY.  You?  (Aside.)  What  an  idea!  Why,  she's 
a  wegulah  old  maid. 

COR.    (Aside).     He's  so  timid." 

FERDY.    (Embarrassed}.  Awa,  you  know,  doncherknow — 

COR.  (Coyly).  Sit  down,  and  let  us  talk.  (Points  to 
sofa.  FERDY  hesitates  and  she  forces  him  to  sit  on  sofa. 
She  sits  beside  him,  and  he  edges  away  from  her.)  Don't 
be  bashful.  Come  as  close  as  you  want  to.  (Edges  toward 
him.) 

FERDY.  (Aside).  Gwacious !  What  an  idea!  I  weally 
believe  she's  poking  fun  at  me.  Deuced  awkward,  doncher 
know  ! 

COR.  (Business).  Ahem!  Ahem!  Do  you  like  me  a* 
well  as  you  thought  you  would? 

FERDY.  (Embarrassed}.  Awa — yes — more,  you  know. 
(Aside.}  What  a  stupid  question ! 

COR.     Te-he !    Te-he !    You  mav  kiss  me  if  vou  want  to. 


48  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

FERDY.    (Disgusted).     Awa,  by  jove,  doncherknow — 

COR.     Kiss  me,  Romeo! 

FERDY.  (Aside).  Romeo!  Nellie  must  have  shown  her 
my  letter! 

COR.  Come,  Romeo,  dear!  (Grabs  and  embraces  and 
kisses  him.  Comedy  business.) 

FERDY.  (Struggling).  Oh!  Awa — what  do  you  mean, 
doncherknow  ? 

COR.  Tell  me,  dearie,  shall  we  be  married  publicly  or  in 
private  ? 

FERDY.    Married  ?    We're  not  going  to  be  married  at  all ! 

COR.  Oh,  you  can't  mean  to  deceive  me !  You  said  we 
should  be  married  immediately! 

FERDY.  Awa,  by  jove,  what  do  you  mean?  I  nevah  said 
any  such  thing,  nevah,  nevah,  you  know,  doncherknow! 

COR.  Oh,  fie !  Here  are  your  letters !  ( Takes  letters 
from  ziforkbag.)  Forty-six  of  them!  I  know  them  all  by 
heart !  You  promised  to  marry  me  in  every  one  of  them ! 

FERDY.  (Stunned.  Aside).  My  letters!  This  old  woman! 
Deuced  awkward,  you  know,  doncherknow ! 

COR.  Of  course,  you  don't  want  me  to  sue  you  for 
breach  of  promise!  So  come  along,  Romeo  dear  (takes  his 
arm,  and  tries  to  drag  him  up  C) ,  and  we'll  take  a  stroll  iti 
the  garden.  Come  along,  Romeo,  Romeo  dear ! 

FERDY.  (Business  of  dnvaing  back,  trying  to  escape  from 
COR.,  etc.,  very  miserable,  kisses  his  hand  and  waves  it  at 
the  audience}.  Awa,  good-bye,  you  know,  doncherknow! 
(Exeunt  door  C.  to  R.,  FERDY  still  struggling.) 

Enter  NELL  R.,  door  L.  „ 

v.. 

NELL  R.  I  never  saw  such  a  place  in  my  life !  Everyone 
seems  to  have  gone  crazy!  And  George,  my  poor  dear 
husband,  is  the  worst  of  the  lot !  I  declare !  I  don't  feel 
perfectly  sane  myself!  It's  a  perfect  shame!  George  and 
I  started  in  on  our  married  life  so  happily,  and  now  we're 
completely  drowned  in  misery,  just  because  he  happens  to 
have  a  rich  uncle,  and  that  uncle  has  an  insane  idea  of 
expecting  the  whole  world  to  be  run  according  to  his  selfish 
ideas !  For  my  part,  I  wish  the  uncle  was  in  Ballyhack,  and 
George  and  T  back  where  we  came  from !  It's  been  nothing 


ALL   A    MISTAKE.  49 

but  trouble  ever  since  we  arrived,  and  I'm  sure  I  can't  stand 
it  much  longer!  My  nerves  are  completely  broken  down! 
(Sobbing.)  Oh,  why  didn't  we  stay  where  we  were  and 
be  happy?  (Drops  her  head  on  her  arms  on  table.) 


Enter  CAPT.,  door\£.  from  L. 

CAPT.  (Aside).  That  lunatic  will  be  hung  for  my  mur 
der  yet !  I  declare  I'm  fast  becoming  a  regular  old  hulk 
from  all  this  trouble !  I'm  really  beginning  to  wish  I  hadn't 
said  a  word  about  selecting  a  wife  for  George!  Here  he's 
only  been  married  two  days,  and  I  not  only  catch  him  hug 
ging  the  bridesmaid,  but  I  find  his  wife  in  the  arms  of  the 
lunatic!  Talk  about  an  old  fool!  I'm  it!  Anyhow,  when 
I'm  dead  and  in  my  grave,  what  will  I  care  whether  he's 
married  to  Tom,  Dick  or  the  devil?  (Sees  NELL  R.)  Well, 
little  one,  you  don't  seem  to  be  very  happy ! 

NELL  R.     No,  I'm  not!    I'm  perfectly  wretched !    (Sobs.) 

CAPT.  There  now,  don't  cry.  It's  all  right — he  told  me 
all  about  it.  (Referring  to  FERDY.) 

NELL  R.     (Referring  to  GEO.).     He  did? 

CAPT.  Sure!  How  could  he  help  it?  Didn't  I  encour 
age  him?  (Aside.)  Who  would  have  thought  she'd  fall 
in  love  with  that  pie- faced  dude? 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  George  must  have  confessed  all. 
(To  CAPT.)  You — you  are  sure  it's  all  right?  ' 

CAPT.  Certainly.  Didn't  I  tell  him  so  less  than  a  half- 
hour  ago? 

NELL  R.     Oh,  I'm  so  glad ! 

CAPT.     I  suppose  I  ought  to  offer  my  congratulations. 

NELL  R.  (Rising).  Oh,  you  are  so  good,  I  could  almost 
hug  you  for  joy ! 

CAPT.  (Extending  his  arms).  Fire  away!  (Noise  of 
men  shouting  heard  outside.)  Hush!  I'll  bet  they've  cap 
tured  the  lunatic!  (Going  C.)  Cheer  up,  little  one,  the 
man  you  have  accepted  for  a  husband  may  be  a  trifle  "light 
headed,"  but  his  parents  are  extremely  wealthy !  Extremely 
wealthy!  (Ex-it  hastily,  door  C.  to  L.) 

NELL  R.  His  parents  extremely  wealthy?  Why,  what 
can  he  mean?  George. has  repeatedly  told  me  that  he  was 
an  orphan  ! 


50  AALL   A   MISTAKi- 

Enter  GEO'.,  door  R. 

NELL  R.     Oh,  George,  I'm  so  happy ! 

GEO.  I  expected  as  much.  (Aside.}  She's  glad  to  gei 
rid  of  me ! 

XELL  R.  Why  didn't  you  tell  me  you  had  confessed  to 
your  uncle? 

GEO.     Confessed  ?    What  ? 

NELL  R.     Why,  about  you  and  me. 

GEO.  I  haven't  told  him  a  word  about  it !  Do  you  think 
I  haven't  any  shame  at  all  ? 

NELL  R.     Why,  George,  what  do  you  mean  ? 

GEO.  Oh,  I  don't  know.  Why  don't  you  go  and  ask 
Romeo  ? 

NELL  R.     Ask  Romeo  what? 

GEO.     Why,  whatever  you  desire  to  know,  of  course. 

NELL  R.     Will  you  please  inform  me  who  this  Romeo  is: 

GEO.     Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  you  don't  know  ? 

NELL  R.     Of  course   I  don't  know  him.    Who  is  he  ? 

GEO.     Oh,  he's  anybody — everybody. 

NELL  R.  (Looking  at  GEO.  suspiciously).  Well,  where 
is  he? 

GEO.     Oh,  anywhere — everywhere ! 

NELL  R.  (Aside).  How  his  mind  wanders.  (To  GEO.) 
George,  are  you  aware  that  this  Romeo  business  is  liable  to 
compel  us  to  separate  ? 

GEO.     (Bitterly).     Certainly.    Hasn't  it  done  so  already? 

NELL  R.  George,  if  you  were  certain  that  thinking  con 
tinually  of  Romeo  was  liable  to  affect  the  sanity  of  one  of 
us,  could  you  tell  who  he  is  ? 

GEO  (Aside).  Her  love  for  that  lop-eared  dude  has 
driven  her  insane !  No,  it  hasn't !  I  see !  She's  trying  to 
work  that  insanity  dodge  on  me  as  an  excuse  for  her  actions, 
so  that  she  can  beg  for  forgiveness,  but  she  won't  get  it ! 

NELL  R.  (Provoked).  George!  I  don't  want  any  more 
nonsense!  Who  is  Romeo? 

GEO.  Angry.  (Pulls  out  the  letter  he  took  from  FERDY 
and  hands  it  to  NELL  R.)  Can  you  deny  the  authorship  of 
that  letter? 

NELL  R.  (Takes  the  letter  and  reads).  <4My  dear  .Romeo: 


ALL   A   MISTAKE.  51 

Meet  me  at  once  at  Captain  Skinner's,  Oak  Farm,  West- 
chester.  Ever  your  own  dear  Nellie."  (To  GEO.)  What 
an  absurd  question  !  I  never  saw  it  before ! 

GEO.  (W ho  has  been  watching  her.  intently).  Do  you 
mean  to  tell  me  that  isn't  your  signature? 

NELL  R.  Of  course  it  isn't !  Are  you  such  a  goose  as  to 
believe  there  is  only  one  "Nellie"  in  the  world? 

GEO.  I  never  thought  of  that !  Then  you — you  really 
do  love  me? 

NELL  R.     Of  course  I  do. 

GEO.    (Extending  his  arms).     Here! 

NELL  R.     (Jumps  into  his  arms.     Comedy  embrace.) 

Enter  NELL,  door  C.  from  L. 

NELL.  (Aside).  Well,  what  do  you  think  of  that ?  And 
his  wife  in  the  very  next  room? 

NELL  R.  Why,  George,  I  really  believe  you  were  jealous 
of  me. 

GEO.     What,  me?     Not  a  bit! 

NELL.     (Sneezes.) 

GEO.  (Aside  to  NELL  R.).  There's  Nell!  She's  liable 
to  tell  uncle !  Hush !  (Aloud  to  NELL  R.,  with  mock  polite 
ness.)  Now  if  you  will  just  step  into  the  library.  (Takes 
NELL  R's  hand  and  leads  her  L.,  singing,  "Hi-tiddly-hi- 
ti-hi-ti-I."  Exeunt,  door  L.,  keeping  time  to  the  music.) 

NELL.  Just  my  luck !  I  might  a  seen  a  regular  circus, 
buF  oFcourse  I  had  to  sneeze  right  at  the  wrong  time  an' 
spoil  it  all!  (Sneezes.}  Faith,  there's  nothing  slow  about 
Masther  George.  It  don't  seem  to  bother  him,  wife  or  no 
wife! 

Enter  RICH.,  door  C.  from  L.  :. 

RICH.  (Aside).  There's  no  use  trying  to  escape!  They 
have  guards  at  every  possible  way  of  exit. 

NELL^    (Aside).    It's  the  lunatic! 

RICH?  (Aside).  The  next  thing  I  know,  they'll  have  me 
locked  up  with  the  rest  of  the  lunatics ! 

NELL.  (Aside).  I  wish  I  could  get  out  of  here!  I'm 
scared  of  him. 


52  ALL   A   MISTAKE. 

RICH.  (Aside).  Well,  what  of  it?  It  will  place  me  near 
to  Nellie! 

NELI^  (Aside).  Oh,  ho!  I  smells  a  rat.  He's  talking 
about  "Nellie."  He's  no  lunatic  at  all!  He's  Romeo!'' 
(To  RICH.)  Did  you  come  to  find  yer  Nellie,  sir? 

RICH     I  did.   (Aside).  I  wonder  how  she  knew? 

NELL.     Do  you  love  her  an  awful  lot? 

RICH.     More  than  life  itself. 

NELL.    (Aside).     What  illegant  talkin'  he  do  speak! 

kicif     And  now,  pray  tell  me,  were  you  ever  in  love? 

NELL.     Oh,  I'm  in  love  now,  sir! 

KICH  (Looking  himself  over  sorrowfully).  It  is  very 
painful  to  be  in  love,  isn't  it? 

N.FT.L.  Well,  I  should  say  so !  I'm  gettin'  an  awful  pain  ! 
(Aside.)  I  wish  I  could  t'row  a  fit,  loike  wan  av  thim 
saciety  actresses!  Faith,  I'll  try  it.  (To  RICH.)  Oh,  sir, 
you're  lookin'  fer  Miss  "Nellie?"  Sure,  that's  me!  I'm 
so  overcome  wid  emotion  that  I'm  goin'  ter  faint ! 

RICH.     Faint  ?    Don't,  I  beg  of  you ! 

NELL.  Sure,  I'm  too  far  gone  to  sthop  it!  (Wink  at 
audience.)  Catch  me,  Romeo,  or  I'll  fall!  (Comedy  faint, 
and  falls  in  RICH/S  arms.) 

Enter  CAPT.,  door  C.  from  L. 

CAPT.  (Aside).  The  lunatic!  Hugging  another  woman  ! 
He's  a  regular  squeezer  from  Squeezerville.  (Rushes  at 
RICH.) 

RICH.  (Aside).  The  old  lunatic  again !  (Throws  NELL 
in  CAPT/S  arms  and  exit  hastily,  door  C.  to  L.) 

CAPT.  (Catching  NELL  in  his  arms).  Why,  it's  Nell! 
Wake  up!  (Shakes  her.)  Wake  up,  I  say! 

Enter  GEO.,  NELL  R.  and  NELL  H.,  door  L. 

CAPT.    (To  NELL).     Here!    Don't  have  a  fit  in  my  arms! 

GEO.  (Pointing  at  CAPT.).  Talk  about  flirts,  look  there! 
(GEO.,  NELL  R.  and  NELL  H.  laugh  at  CAPT.) 

CAPT.  (To  NELL).  What  do  you  mean  by  falling  into 
my  arms  ?  Get  out  of  here !  (Pushes  NELL  away,  and  she 
exits  hastily,  C.  to  L.) 

GEO.,  NELL  R.  and  NELL  H.  (Laugh  and  make  fingers  ai 
CAPT.,  and  exeunt,  door  L.} 


ALL  A   MISTAKE.  53 

CAPT.  Oh,  I  shall  go  mad  with  all  this!  (Going  dcnv 
R.  Lame  business.)  Oh,  my  leg!  Oh,  my  back!  O! 
my  head ! 

Enter  RICH.,  door  C.  from  L. 

RICH.     Sir,  are  you  Captain  Obadiah  Skinner? 

CAPT.    I  am — what  is  left  of  him. 

RICH.  Your  hand,  sir!  (Extending  hand.}  1  am  Rich 
ard  Hamilton  of  Pelham  Manor! 

CAPT.  Richard  Hamilton?  (Looks  him  over  ivith  deri 
sion.}  Oh,  yes,  of  course,  you  are  Richard  Hamilton,  all 
right!  (Does  not  shake  hands.) 

RICH.  My  appearance  undoubtedly  surprises  you.  But 
if  you  desire  proof,  you  can  ask  a  young  lady  at  present 
in  this  house,  to  whom  I  am  engaged — I  refer  to  Miss 
Nellie— 

CAPT.  (Interrupting.)  Miss  Nellie?  Why,  I  understood 
she  was  engaged  to  a  different  person  entirely.  (Aside.) 
She  must  have' given  Ferdy  the  mitten.  There's  no  account 
ing  for  the  fickleness  of  a  woman.  I  suppose  I  have  been 
making  another  mistake. 

Enter  NELL  R.,  door  L. 

CAPT.     (Aside  to  NELL  R. )      Is  that  him? 

NELLR.    Him?    Who? 

CAPT.     The  fellow  you  are  engaged  to? 

NELL  R.  Well,  I  should  say  not !  I  don't  know  him  at. 
all!  . 

CAPT.  (Aside  to  NELL  R.)  Just  as  I  thought.  He's  a 
lunatic  all  right!  Talk  to  him!  Keep  him  here!  I'll  call 
the  guards  and  capture  him  this  time,  all  right!  (To  RICH., 
in  a  derisive  manner.)  Hush!  Be  quiet!  (Comedy  bow.) 
Excuse  me  a  moment!  (Comedy  bozv.)  I  will  find  Miss 
Nellie  (comedy  bow},  and  return  in  a  jiffy.  (Comedy  bow 
and  exit,  door  C.  to  L.} 

RICH.     (Surprised.     Follows  CAPT.  up  C.) 

NELL  R.     (Crosses  to  R.} 

Enter  GEO.  and  NELL  H.,  door  L. 

GEQ.  (Aside  to  NELL  H.)  Now's  your  chance!  Faint! 
Faint ! 


54  ALL   A    MISTAKE. 

NELL  H.  (Pretending  to  faint,  calls).  Richard!  (Ricn. 
runs  down  and  catches  her  in  his  arms,) 

GEO.  (To  RICH.,  with  bluff  severity).  What  does  this 
mean  ? 

RICH.  (To  GEO.,  until  emotion).  Oh,  sir,  this  lady  is  my 
affianced!  I  am  the  guilty  scoundrel  who  was  the  cause 
of  her  present  misfortune,  but  heaven  grant  that  she  may 
yet"  fully  recover  her  senses  and  forgive  me  for  my  past 
offence ! 

GEO.    (Aside).    I  thought  he'd  work  around  all  right! 

NELL  H.     Richard ! 

RICH.  What!  You  do  remember  me?  Heaven  be 
praised!  (Hugs  her  closely.) 

GEO.  (Aside).  Here's  where  we  raise  the  mortgage  on 
the  farm !  (Jumps  on  chair  and  pats  RICH,  and  NELL  H. 
on  their  heads,  with  a  mock  blessing.)  Take  her,  my  boy, 
she's  yours.  (lumps  down,  goes  to  NELL  R.,  and  hugs  her.) 
The  cat's  out  of  the  bag,  and  we  may  as  we'll  stand  by  our 
colors,  and  trust  to  luck! 

Enter  CAPT.,  door  C.  from  L. 

CAPT.     What's  this  I  see? 

Enter  COR.  and  FERDY,  arm  in  arm,  C.  from  L. 

CAPT.     And  you,  too,  Cornelia? 

COR.  Yes,  I've  captured  him,  and  he  loves  me  morfc 
than  all  the  world.  (To  FERDY.)  Don't  you,  Romeo? 

FERDY.     Yas,  you  know,  doncherknow. 

GEO.  (Presenting  NELL  R.).  Uncle  Obadiah.  permit  me 
to  present  my  wife. 

NELL  H.  (Presenting  RICH.).  And  permit  me  to  present 
my  intended  husband. 

CAPT.     Why,  George,  what  does  this  mean  ? 

GEO.  It  means  that  your  method  of  selecting  a  wife  for 
me  was 

ALL.     All  a  mistake. 


Lively  music. 
QUICK  CURTAIN. 


His  Irish  Dream  Girl 


BY 
LlLLI  A  X    MORTI M  ER 

COMEDY-DRAMA  in  3  acts;  5  men,  4  women. 
Time,  2*4  hours.  Scene:  1  interior. 

CHARACTERS 

Mother  O'Brien    Jim's  mother 

Libby  Kelly   His  widowed  sister 

Emma The   help   at   the   O'Briens' 

Jim  O'Brien A  farmer  and  a   dreamer 

Danny    .'....  Jim's    hired    help 

Nora    Lynch The    dream  girl 

Dare  Reynalds A  man  about  town 

Ora   Lynch Nora's   brother,   an   author 

Ed   Brown The   village   constable 

Here  we  have  the  very  heart  of  romantic  Erin  trans 
ferred  to  rural  New  York,  with  Jim,  the  ardent  young 
Irish-American  farmer,  wooing  Nora,  the  colleen  of 
his  dreams.  But  there  are  sharp  thorns  in  his  garden 
of  roses.  His  lovely  colleen  is  city  bred  and  is  his 
superior  in  breeding  and  education,  with  a  super 
cilious  brother  to  frown  upon  the  match  and  a  suave 
man-about-town  lover  to  push  his  own  suit  and  dis 
parage  Jim's.  The  pair  succeed  in  alienating  Nora 
from  her  yokel  lover  and  carrying  her  back  to  New 
York.  But  Jim  follows  her  and  injects  into  his  woo 
ing  some  cave-man  tactics  that  in  the  end  prove 
highly  successful.  An  absorbing  plot,  full  of  tender 
charm  and  lightened  by  touches  of  gay  comedy.  Cast 
includes:  Jim's  Irish  mother;  his  widowed  sister;  a 
jealous  and  sulky  hired  girl;  her  bashful  swain;  a 
gawky  farm  boy  and  a  hick  constable. 

Price,  35  Cents 


T.  S.  Denison  &  Company,  Publishers 

G23  South  Wabash  Avenue  CHICAGO 


When  Kitty  Eloped 

BY 

KATHARINE  KAVANAUGH 

COMEDY-DRAMA  in  3  acts;  5  men,  6  women.  Time, 
2^4  hours.  Scenes:  2  interiors. 

CHARACTERS 

Hattie The  Vansant  maid,  with  romantic  ideas 

Payson    The  family  lawyer 

Miss    Tompkins Secretary   to   Mrs.    Vansant 

Mrs.  Yansant.  .A  wealthy  widow,  known  as  the  Duchess 

Jerome    The  Vansant  butler 

Kitty   Vansant Daughter   of   the    Duchess 

Hal  McAllister An  adventurer 

Molly  McAllister McAllister's  second  wife 

Hal,  Jr McAllister's  son 

Bill  Grimes An  animal  trainer  with  the  circus 

Kitty  Vansant   (the   Second)    

Grand-niece   of   the   Duchess 

Twenty  years  after  the  elopement  of  his  parents, 
young  Hal  McAllister,  a  circus  rider,  finds  himself  cut 
off  from  the  Vansant  millions  because  of  his  mother's 
romantic  act,  which  made  her  baby  cousin  the  Van 
sant  heiress  and  her  son  a  beggar.  The  loss  of  the 
fortune,  however,  troubles  him  less  than  his  circus 
career,  which  he  hates,  and  his  life  with  his  cruel 
father  and  stepmother,  who  care  nothing  for  him  ex 
cept  to  exploit  him.  His  only  joy  is  the  lovely  young 
girl  of  mystery,  whose  life  he  has  saved.  His  father's 
attempt  to  drag  him  into  a  scheme  to  rob  the  old 
Vansant  mansion  and  take  by  force  his  share  of  his 
dead  grandmother's  fortune  precipitates  a  dramatic 
struggle  between  father  and  son.  A  veritable  thunder 
storm  of  trouble  breaks  on  the  boy,  bringing  death  and 
disaster  in  its  wake,  but  finally  the  sun  shines  on  him 
again.  Cast  includes  several  good  comedy  characters: 
a  romantic  maid,  an  unromantic  lady  secretary,  a 
susceptible  family  lawyer,  and  an  old-time  circus  ani- 
mal  trainer.  pricc  35  Cents 


T.  S.  Denison  &  Company,  Publishers 

623  South  Wabash  Avenue  CHICAGO 


Plays  thai  Succeed 

A  PRINCB  or  ADVENTURE 

Drama  in  3  acts  and  prologue,  by  LINDSEY  BAB- 
BEE;  7  m.,  8  w.  Time,  2%  hrs.  Scene:  1  interior. 
Sets  forth  the  romantic  adventures  of  the  exiled 
young  Prince  of  Phantasia.  He  foils  the  plots  of 
a  malignant  duke  and  wins  an  American  bride. 

Price,  35  Cents 

NANCY  ANNA  BROWN  s  FOLKS 

Comedy-drama  in  3  acts,  by  LILLIAN  MORTIMER; 
8  m.,  6  w.  Time,  2  hrs.  Scenes:  2  interiors.  The 
story  of  a  selfish  girl,  who,  ashamed  of  her  parents, 
repudiates  them  in  order  to  make  a  rich  marriage. 
All  thrills  and.  tears  and  laughter. 

Price,  35  Cents 


A  LITTLE 

Comedy-drama  in  3  acts,  by  WALTER  BE:. 
3  m.,  4  w.,  and  silent  villagers.   Time,  2  hrs. 
2  interiors.     Judy,  the   little   clodhopper   from   tht 
poorhouse,  finds  fortune  and  happiness,  after  mam 
reverses.     A  laughing  success,  full  of  ludicr. 
uations.  Price,  35  Cents 


THAT'S  ONE  ON 


Comedy  in  3  acts,  by  LILLIAN"  MORTIMER;  5  m., 
5  w.  Time,  2  hrs.  Scene:  1  exterior.  Bill  resents 
•the  efforts  of  his  rich  uncle  to  choose  a  wife  for  him, 
and  all  kinds  of  merry  complications  grow  out  of 
his  rebellion.  Price,  35  Cents 


Deni  son's 
Select  Plays 


uct  L  1 1  if 
Productions 


HE  list  of  Denisou's  select 
plays  is  rich  in  just  the  type 
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